emoness yo

before i go taking on equations whose solution DOES NOT FREAKIN EXIST (what's the fucking point if in the end, no solution exists?)

and before i try to make sense of thermal pollution and all the unfortunate havoc it causes to innocent little salmons and trouts..

i. will pause. and try to ponder upon how one aspect of myself has been violently shaken. sabotaged, peeled off, and replaced.

it seems that from the the two years that i've been removed from my sheltered bubble of a bookish world, i've grown a heart. that beats for people. for friends. funny that i once thought that "friends" were for the weak. for those that can't stand on their own; those who do not have the capacity to deal with life's prickly tantrums. on their OWN.

only to be bitch-slapped by the fact that no matter how much i think of myself as independent, detached, and strong- in the end, i'm also as human and as weak as anyone can get. that i also need to be needy. and that my so called independence was just one big mask for the loneliness that plagues my countenance wherever i go.

and now... now that i've been given the chance to dispel that loneliness, i slowly try to spoil it all up. just like all the other good things that were given to me. that, or they.. breathe in... out.. leave. with a snap of their fingers, their own blue bubbles burst.

and just like the limit of \h\ over h... they suddenly become inexistent.

P.S.

peepz, contrary to popular opinion, i did not eat racumin or baygon while writing this. i'm free of any poison or any other chemical substances that could have affected my mental well-being. not that i'm saying i'm mentally well. and in case you're wondering: i still don't care. who said anything about caring?