RAANDOOM

yesterday, after attending the problem session in org chem for the second time (!) (which was supposed to be the 20th or something, if only i went to the previous sessions) , i went to my prof. it was actually a super late visit already because he gave that horrible "see me!" in my paper using red ink, and yes, with an exclamation point, way back last december.

so he gave me my class standing, and a preppy go-fight-win!, i love to give A's to everybody speech. i was kinda relieved that i did not get a D. but i was definitely, definitely disappointed on myself. this sem, i had laid out goals so high that reaching it made my joints hurt. as in literally, physically hurt (of the reddish, swollen sort). well who could blame me? i was at a high after getting my report card last sem showing spectacular, unexpected numbers and symbols. so i told myself that maybe, i could be better this sem. but the catch is that, if i want to be better, i should have A's all around the world. which is impossible. but delusional me still went on with the plan.

and where am i now? definitely not in that lalala-land of the teletubbies with an adorable sun-baby. i wouldn't say i'm suicidal-depressed either. i never become depressed with this kind of thing. teary-eyed, yes. raging bitch, yes. depressed, suicidal and laslas-prone? no. i save those for the real emo shit issues. thankfully, every after 2 hours (give or take 1 hour), it leaves my system, making me more-or-less relatively normal. not that i'm claiming i'm normal. no. never. normal is bland.

ANYWAY.

the thing is, it kinda hurts bad because i know all these things that bother me right now would not have existed have i exercised a little bit of self-discipline. a little less surfing. a little less reading pocketbooks. a little less watching... uhm.. movies (what were you thinking?). a little more scholarly persistence. but the thing is, if i do that, it would mean a little less of who i really am, and a little more pretensions.

i cannot stop surfing the net. i cannot stop myself from reading books and no way i'm gonna stop watching movies.

or maybe, my circadian rhythm is just so off. like 24 hours for others would be 26.78 hours for me. because i'm either late or not there at all.

i'm sick and tired of that whole time management thing. if i majored on that, i would have gotten DL. as in D-list. i suck at managing my time. time is not golden for me. i treat it like it's my friend just walking and sauntering along with me. sad truth is, it sprints like crazy. one minute you are side-by-side with it, the next blink, it is so far away from you. giving you no chance to play catch-up.

which is what i am doing now. hey, i am fast too, given the right circumstances.

CONSISTENCY is the key to the door that opens to happily ever after.

so i think i should start finding that key.

oh shoot, where did i last place that key?

fuck this ADHD and alzheimer's. get away from me.

P.S. I have this cough that has been going on since December. it just wouldn't stop. i think i'm dying.