Nagkukunwaring Manggagamot

To do: Absolutely nothing!

2011-04-26T17:50:00.002+08:00

My goal for this summer break is to undo all the tension-filled harassment and unhinging my brain and body have experienced that were primarily precipitated by a school year's worth of academic torture. O mas lalong kilala sa katawagang “medical school”.

Update? Has been hitting the bummerific bull’s eye quite consistently so far. :D

Bum bum bum bum.

My daily existence can be summed up in the following cycle of activities: waking up, exercising, preparing breakfast, catching up on local and national news the old-school way (it’s amusingly disorienting to hold a newspaper with your bare hands after a year of not doing it), finishing that tedious-in-an-awesome-way David Foster Wallace novel, watching a movie or two (or three or more haha), Tumblr-ing, Facebook-ing, Twitter-ing, sleeping. Sometimes, a bit of variation is put in the mix, such as pigging out and/or getting wasted with old friends.

Now that I laid it all out there, I guess you could say my summer hiatus has been adopting a monotonous motif. But after a year of frenzied scrambling and juggling of numerous responsibilities (or the inability thereof), and keeping up with your ridiculously high (verging on the impossible) set of academic and personal standards, “monotony” is a much-needed, and a very welcome respite.

PS It’s exciting to hear about friends starting their transitional summer program in ASMPH. A year ago, I participated in that “program” too, wondering what the h is the point of all the month-long arts and crafts and instant role-playing activities we have been doing. Answer: A little bit close to zero, medically speaking. But it had its awesome highlights too: being able to assist in circumcisions, going house-to-house in a barangay in Tondo to inject kids with the measle and polio vaccine (with the assistance of the barangay health workers who so graciously taught us the proper technique of doing subcutaneous injections), being taught by an impossibly hot ophthalmologist about the role of management in medicine, and most importantly, getting to know your batch mates sans all the mental baggage, neuroses, drama, and doubts that are typical (and almost universally) brought about by the “real” first year of medical school. :)

WHOAH

2011-04-20T18:57:00.000+08:00

I realized that I haven't written a single word, heck, not even a single letter here ever since med school started. Tss.

SO. A (lenten?) resolution.

WRITE MORE. WRITE WHATEVER THIS CONVOLUTED PIECE OF MUSH I CALL A BRAIN WOULD COME UP WITH.

Write my heart out.

Preview: First year of med, out! Pre-2nd year, summer bumhood, in. :D

Andito na Si Pagbabago

2010-04-21T08:00:00.003+08:00

I have been longing for an opportunity to finally actualize what I have always wanted to make out of my earthly existence.

To follow the footsteps of the people I admire—people whose idealism never wavered despite the shitty odds, and who channeled their energies instead to substantial endeavors that, you know, actually mattered.

Unfortunately though, these ambitious dreams have taken a back (as in way WAY back) seat during my college years. So much so that I almost forgot that I had these dreams and aspirations in the first place. I became satisfied with coasting along. I had lazily done my “responsibilities”, all in the name of personal comfort.

But deep inside my heart I know that I am more than this scatter-brained pasaway who is always behindhand at everything that he does. I am capable of doing more. So much more.

To everyone who does not have an inkling of belief in what I am saying right now, and what I am about to do, Thank You.

Thank you because all that negativity only serves to fuel my desire to rise up to the challenge of becoming a better version of whoever I was before.

I believe that the opportunity I have been waiting for has finally arrived, knocking gently but persistently on my door.

And hell yes, I am going to open that freaking door.

To Lobotomize, or Not To Lobotomize?

2010-04-11T15:46:00.039+08:00

That is the question.

Tomorrow is the start of what arguably is the most difficult phase that I will encounter in my earthly existence so far.

Tomorrow is the official start of the LOOOOOOOOONG journey that I need to partake in order for me to earn the right of adding two particular letters after my name.

You know? The M followed by a D. The ones that will give me the authority to do what I love.

But lately, after much personal reflection, and upon much taunting of my friends, I realized that a lot of my old ways are not exactly what you can call doctor-ly. If you have encountered my unique brand of kasabogan, you'll get my drift.

Don't get me wrong, I do want to change. The problem is, the moment I try to channel a serious aura, two unfortunate things happen. Either the person I am talking to laughs out loud, or I, sensing the absurdity and pretentiousness of the whole set-up, do the laughing.

You see, being serious has never been my forte in life. Maybe it's my mechanism to defend myself against Life's general asshole-ic bitchiness, but whenever stuff gets downbeat I always, though sometimes, it gets a tad inappropriate, concoct a (sarcastic) joke to ease the tension that I feel. Thus, whenever I do the whole serious shenanigan, something off usually happens.

So....

There's that.

Well, I can always come up with a middle ground, can't I?

Confession

2010-02-06T12:18:00.000+08:00

Over the past month I have done things that were uncharacteristic of me. Some were done out of amusement. But mostly they were out of

...

Yes. Those are three dots for you my friend. And guess what? It’s your job to decipher the meaning of each. :)

PS. Thank you for giving me the best gift ever. That was one hell of a geek-gasm you gave me. One word: Diagnosis. :))

PPS. Hello adults. Will you let this sweet child be a part of your world?

i just realized

2010-01-16T20:01:00.003+08:00

that i am not, contrary to what I had always thought of myself, the kind of person who is independent, who is amenable to being left alone. especially now.

one minute i am not, and the next minute i am. in an instant.

snap.

just letting you know i'm alive.

2010-01-12T11:33:00.001+08:00

i have not written a word here since. and i have a good reason for that.

What it's like after they're gone?

2009-08-16T14:53:00.000+08:00

I miss them.

To miss.

To feel the absence of.

Also, to fail to do, as to miss an opportunity.

*******************************

For the record: I hate molecular biology. Cool na kung cool, but i don't give a flying effing fuck about it. Hai.

in the eyes of a nerd

2009-08-08T14:53:00.001+08:00

a date is nothing but just a mutual exploration of possibilities for long-term neurogenetic compatibility.

guess who's the nerd?

pushing the "door close" button is

2009-08-02T15:54:00.001+08:00

FUN FACT:

In the elevator industry, a DOOR CLOSE button is called a pacifier button.
They're installed simply to give the illusion of control in your elevator ride.
They are almost never hooked up to a real switch.

*************************

Just Like Life.

tinatanong pa ba yan?

2009-08-01T18:37:00.000+08:00

Why?

Why.

Well, it's not just that you're beautiful.

Even though you are.

It's that you're so darn smart.

I think for me, it's your smartness more than anything else.

There.

That's why.

*******************************

PUNYETA. Why so... mawkish?? hahaha

amusing

2009-07-20T20:11:00.003+08:00

it's been a perennial source of amusement for me, you know? i have been doing this ever since, what? 2nd year high school? and people, close friends even, still give me a facial profile that conveys, at least to me, the expression of surprise (taas kilay, bukas bibig, the works) whenever somebody tells them i do it. coz you know? i don't ever tell them personally unless they personally ask me. and if they do personally ask me the "why?" i always answer them: i started it just like any other kid out there. with a mixture of peer pressure and curiosity. because i once thought it was cool to do it. but after six years of sucking it all in, i would like to believe i am so done with that phase already. (read: pakyu! hindi ako poser!)

call me vain (and yes, I certainly am), but i think this just goes to show that i look like a kind-looking, rule-obeying child. safe and harmless. and in many ways, i am all of the above.

but in so many other ways, i am absolutely not.

ergo, the self-amusement (although fine, it is of the conceited and delusional kind). but a welcome upsurge of a happy thought nevertheless.

KASI AYOKO PA MAG-ARAL NG CELL MOL. ANAK NG.

disappointment

2009-06-29T22:46:00.002+08:00

what a waste of emotional involvement. you build up for months this great wall of trust, because you think.. finally.. oh fucking god finally, you have found someone who you can completely trust. no holds barred. whose presence makes you feel so comfortable that you can dare to reveal your truest, meanest, kindest self.

and then one awkward thing leads to one misunderstanding leads to one big elephant in the room. leads to silence. and that wall you once thought was so great and comforting suddenly melts into spineless pieces of shit.

so here's to a treatment of silence.

farewell. thou user.

kalmado

2009-05-10T17:49:00.001+08:00

today i can finally rest my nerves, and give the settling and peace they deserve. it's that one perfect moment, where i can let go of all the previous apprehensions and doubts, and finally heave a huge sigh of relief. it may still be a long (and possibly, bumpy) journey ahead, but i'm quite sure that when all of this craziness ends, i would be able to say, with utmost conviction, that i did an awesome job.

and more importantly, that WE did an awesome job.

(since when did i become this optimistic? epekto lang ata to ng global warming HAHAHA... and by the way, for those uhm... sabihin na nating misinformed na mga tao na hindi
naniniwala sa global warming.. DUDE feel the weather now? bagyo GALORE sa summer? if that's not enough of an evidence, i don't know what is. the earth melting? volcanoes spewing
out snow? what??)

this just made my night...

2009-04-19T22:42:00.004+08:00

despite the nagging presence of an impending 25 point quiz in biochem tomorrow (ugh) early morning (double ugh), i'm still happy.

why?

because in the course of attempting to study for biochem, i happen to switch the channel at the exact time "in bruges" played in hbo. i heard about this film during the golden globes this year when colin farrell nagged a surprise best actor nomination. so i told myself: why not give it a try? (besides, if i were to choose between biochemistry and a british/irish-accented movie, or biochemistry and anything other than biochemistry, i would, without a blink, choose the movie, and the anything other than biochemistry, respectively.)

the verdict?

boy, oh boy... in bruges is a fucking masterpiece. granted, there were some glaring and awkward cuts in the scenes (which reminds me, i have to get hold of a dvd copy of this ), it still was very, very good. it was bloody, violent, funny, intelligent, witty, beautiful, and emotionally-jampacked, all at the same time. and it's set in the dreamy medieval architecture of bruges, belgium! the movie would have been the perfect offspring of a crazy menage a trois between quentino tarantino, woody allen, and david cronenberg. given that one of them magically turned into a woman with a functional uterus, of course.

and ooh, did i mention that it was funny? as in really really funny? as in ROFL/LMFAO funny? did i? ok i think i just did. the point is, it was hilarious.

case in point:

Ray: Murder, father.
Priest: Why did you murder someone, Raymond?
Ray: For money, father.
Priest: For money? You murdered someone for money?
Ray: Yes, father. Not out of anger. Not out of nothing. For money.
Priest: Who did you murder for money, Raymond?
Ray: You, father.
Priest: I'm sorry?
Ray: I said you, father. What are you, deaf?
[Ray raises pistol]
Ray: Harry Waters says hello.

and another ooh: who would have thought that colin farrell can act? the bad-ass colin farrell (of the sex scandal and drug abuse fame) can actually cry his boyish eyes out.

and the third (and probably, by now, would have annoyed hell out of you) ooh: it was fun to watch voldemort, mad-eye moody, and fleur delacour all in the same movie. i have to say, they were very convincing in portraying muggle roles. lol.

it was totally worth the not studying for biochem (which reminds me: ANO BA DAPAT ANG AARALIN??)

d is for dread

2009-04-03T06:32:00.004+08:00

World-shattering grade-conscious insight of the day:

When you get a D for a subject you worked hard for, you just freeze. You just stare at the screen, not blinking, until the picture blurs along with the motherfucking D.

Despite the fact that you really really know some mistake (or a cosmic joke) must have happened, that feeling of inexplicable dread still does not go away. It still circulates in every artery and vein, oozing in every drop of anxious sweat.

And then you finally get it. Why after all these years, you have always ALWAYS made an exaggerated fuss with these grades. Even if in the long run, in the grand fucked-up narrative of the universe, you know it's not worth one shit.

Because that dread simply... SUCKS.

I don't like it. Not One Bit.

despair

2009-03-24T23:45:00.002+08:00

finals week are almost over. study there. prepare for orals here. prepare for thesis defense there.

yet.

there is that certain awkward feeling, a certain disquietude that pervades.

it's telling me that all my supposed hard work for the past five months are almost enough.

ALMOST, but never enough.

lagi at lagi akong lugi. kapus. kulang.

stone in the sky. the one who gets hit with it should not get mad.

2009-03-01T16:28:00.000+08:00

wow. something just tells me that there's a HUGE lost in translation moment right in that title.
haha.

anyhoo..

to the object of my wrath:

i have one word for you. FRACK.

no. i don't think one word could encapsulate the sheer awesomeness of my hatred for you.

make that six words then.

FREAKING FRACKITY FRACKING FRACK YOU.

how immature of me no? why can't i just suck it up, and spew my acid right in front of your face oozing with its ugly putrefaction (figurative or otherwise).

because.. i'm too nice for that. haha.

get in to get out

2009-02-22T14:11:00.000+08:00

the thought of me plunging into the darkness for hours on end (in the form of microbiology and mol fab) makes me want to slash my wrists, so that i can meet st. peter and his pet cock (or rooster.. or male chicken..) and be able to ask him (st. peter, not the cock) to allow me to be in the loving arms of papa jesus.

but then again, if i slash my wrists, it would be considered sucide, and jesus wouldn't like that; he would get so enraged that he would send me instead to lucifer, and be burned in that hot place of abomination called hell, with lucifer's red sizzling fork stuck right up my ass.

that i wouldn't like to happen.

SO. thanks to chad for giving me this lovely alternative of a time-killer.

Here are the rules:

1. Put your iTunes/iPod/mp3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer
3. YOU MUST WRITE DOWN THE TITLE OF THE SONG NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT WILL SOUND

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?

You Don't See Me - Keane

because i don't deal with stupid questions like "is this okay?" hahaha..

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?

Isn't She Lovely- Brendan James (cover)

palitan lang ang she ng he.. (uhm..). then it would be.. ain't i just super lovely? agree? yeah? yeah? hahaha

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

That's It, I Quit, I'm Moving On- Adele (Cover)

YES. Very freaking spot on to my current blah. Because just recently, I quit liking that person. HAHAHA.

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

Hold Me In Your Arms- The Black Keys

HAHA. KADIRI.

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?

I don't Care- Fall Out Boy

... as long as it involves, world domination. haha

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

Never miss a beat- Kaiser Chiefs

Yeah. Don't ever miss a beat. Because if you do, then what the hell.

WHAT?

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

Just Like A Star- Corinne Bailey Rae

I officially want to marry my mp3 player (ngugngug!) now. hahaha

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?

Fire- Augustana

Ooooh. On a literal, and figurative level, I always do. Haha

9) WHAT IS 2+2?

I can Feel A Hot One- Manchester Orchestra

What's with all the Fire and hot references? HMM..

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND/S?

Somewhere- Katharine Mcphee (cover)

Somewhere... we'll find a new way of living, we'll find a way of forgiving.

Just the way I like it. haha

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

My Old Ways- Dr. Dog

OOH. My old ways were not necessarily as pristine I wanted it to be.. so..

EWAN! haha

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

We're all in the Dance- Feist

YEAH. I just feel the music and rhyme, while there is time.

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

Love for a Child- Jason Mraz

Either I'll be a father. Or I'll be a pedophile.

I hope to God it's the former. haha.

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

Grown So Ugly- The Black Keys

Eh? Bitter much?

15) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

Single Ladies- Beyonce

Because I'm ironic like that. haha.

16) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

L-O-V-E - Joss Stone (cover)

ganun? Well. pwede. Because LOVE is the only thing that I will (hopefully) give to all of you. WEH.

17) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

Shut Up and Let Me Go- The Ting Tings

Ai galit? haha

18) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

The Rabbit, the Dog, and the Reindeer- Dr. Dog

oooh...napaka-akmang SYMBOLISMS. haha.

19) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

Superhero- Jane's Addiction

YEHES NAMAN.

20) WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?

Streetlights- Kanye

Huh? Na magiging palabay ako sa street na may street lights? HUH?? HAHAHA

21) HOW WILL YOU DIE?

Further Up the Road- Eric Clapton(cover)

does that fucking mean, i'ma die in a car accident. YOKO NGA.

22) WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?

Always Be My Baby- David Cook.

or, rather, that you have NEVER been my baby. HAHA

23) WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

Hey Snow (Oh)- Red Hot Chili Peppers

well.. pangarap ko talagang makahawak ng snow. haahhaa

24) WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?

Some Kind of Wonderful- Grand Funk Railroad

wonderful, BUT terrible. HAHAHAHA. emo naman.

25) WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?

Love, Save the Empty- Erin McCarley

EH So marrying, will save me from emptiness HUH?

26) WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?

Kitchen- Little Jackie.

EH?
27) DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?

Philosophia- Guggeinheim Grotto

CHAR LANG. HAHAHA. (yeah, philosophy likes me. haha)

28) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?

Am I Still the One?- Daniel Powter

I should have been THE one. yes! mabuhay ang mga emo! haha

29) WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?

Beating My Heart- Jon McLaughlin

HAHAHAHA.. it hurts because.. it doesn't beat. HAHA.

30) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS NOTE AS?

Get in to Get Out- Penshoppe Commercial

Pwede pwede. haha

the opposite of nadir is zenith DAY 1

2009-02-09T17:06:00.000+08:00

i don't really blog these days. but since france tagged me with this pursuit of happiness thing, and i don't really feel writing about the financial crisis and american machismo, might as well.

the rule is i have to write all things happy that will happen to me for the next 8 days. given that i am inherently pessimistic, i'd say doing is quite a stretch. but hey, me's still happy. so i blog.

because this is a tag thing, i'm tagging other people. JACK, TAL, ANGELA, KAY, LEO, ANZO, JOEY, RAE, there goes your obligation to spread sunshine through everyone's windows.

Happy Thing No. 1: I did not come in late for my first class (although I was late for my second class). In fact, I had enough time to unsabogize my face before going to class. Waking up earlier than 830 is a MWF sacrifice I don't usually observe. But today, I did. So yey for punctuality!

Happy Thing No. 2: I was able to transfer all my songs to my cell phone. After one year of having Mojacko (my cell phone, that is), it only occurred to me now that all those stop/play buttons in my cellphone were for playing mp3s. It did not even occur to me that the USB cord that came in together with the cellphone was connected to the cellphone at all. I may have aced a lot of exams in my life, but stupid is stupid, and that's that.

Happy Thing No. 3: I already wrote ONE PARAGRAPH for my thesis proposal. Knowing how notorious I am for cramming, this is a BIG step for me. Despite my daily panic attacks, mostly concerning about how I'll be able to pull this shitty thesis off, I still carry on. My thesis is turning into something that is too big too handle. But I have faith. I have faith on myself. I have faith on Ben. I have faith on us. Wait. That sounded wrong. Haha.

Happy Thing No. 4: I finally got over my infatuation. I'm back to being sensible and detached. All's well that ends well.

sucky suck suck

2009-01-25T14:26:00.000+08:00

litany of SUCKS

thesis- SUCKS!
micro- not that much, but for the very existence of an exam TOMORROW bout it-- SUCKS.
annoying friend (but a friend, nonetheless)- SUCKS
mol fab- source of evil. sucks.
waking up alone, empty, lifeless, and desperately in need of a someone OR another kind of someone- SUCKS. The most.

for this i say, viva la vida. All the SUCKS will be replaced big, resounding "OH YEAH!!!"s.
Eventually.

Wait. Did I just really type that?

Slytherdor. LOL.

2009-01-13T18:35:00.000+08:00

I got this from Mara.

I am freaking bored, even if I don't have any right to be. What lab report? What quiz? What college?

Meanwhile, to soothe my oh so bored nerves, I tried to put on the sorting hat. And the sorting hat said.. i'm a slytherdor. Yes. Slytherdor. HAHAHA

Your result for The Sorting Hat Test ...

Slytherdor

You scored 37% Order/Chaos, and 53% Moral/Rational

Chaotic with a moral/rational split. Outside rules and regulations bug you, but how you determine conduct for yourself depends - you have a dose of self interest in you, but you've also got a streak of solid morality. Your strengths arise from being able to see past strict rules, but this also can be a weakness when people don't know if they can trust you to follow procedure and aren't sure for what reasons you might deviate.

The link for the test is here...

this is why i'm not in the mood

2008-12-04T17:08:00.000+08:00

there's a certain twisted fun i get when people stare at me like i don't know anything. like i'm a lost kid, abandoned by his carers, a particularly weird performer in the ultimate freak show. they look down (most people do, seeing that i'm a semi-advanced lilliputian) and talk down, absolutely sure of their absolute superiority.

it is especially fun looking at their bewildered expressions when they hear my side. like they just found out that apocalypse is coming to town. or that the reality they believe in has been warped into a mish-mash of incoherence.

so to you supposed giant, continue your condescension. continue your airy opinions. we live in a country that honors freedom of speech after all, although not quite.

meanwhile, i'll be here all mum. normally, i'd fight for my pride. but because there's a certain twisted fun i get from hearing your supreme smarts (or at least, you would very much like to think) coming from your wafer-thin mouth, i'd just let you do your thing.

but let me just get this straight.

PAMATI KAAYO KA.

bye

2008-12-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

As a matter of principle, I never cry.

I don’t know how this all started. It simply became an unfaltering, deep-seated axiom.

I never let salt run down my cheeks; I never let it rest at the corners of my mouth. I don’t like it because it’s hot. Most especially.

I, as a matter of principle, prefer cold. I choose to be cold. I am iced.

But nothing about that ordinary day was cold. It was blindingly clear, the sun madly ablaze, neurotic, fierce. Pink umbrella in my right hand, black phone on the left, a certain conversation, and not one hello. Then a paroxysmal murmur, then a ripple, then lots of ripples, concentric circles, then the first motions of a wave. The sea will be salty, we know that. But I don’t. As a matter of principle.

You had the nerve to smile at me then. Just like when you told me that smashing oxygenated balloons across our bodies with plastic rackets made from China was playing badminton. Just like when you told me that you would give me a roasted cow when I am able to turn that applause into gold.

Then the smile was gone. You finally let your body freeze, turning into chunks of cold, cold ice.

Plastic turns into metals, but the roasted cows did not come.

The sea has now immersed itself into the ocean bathed by the sun. My principles have betrayed me, it is not cold. I am not ice.

You are unfair.

I will miss you. As a matter of principle.

shake your groove thing

2008-10-21T23:00:00.003+08:00

so it was one day away 'til my cousin's debut party, and i still had none to cover my hind limbs. my mother, true to her rock star persona, wailed her vocal chords out, telling me to get my ass moving, and get myself some nice, decent slacks, if i didn't want to end up floating in davao river.

what the hell is wrong with wearing maong pants, all blue and rugged, complete with tattered holes baring the skin of my knees, anyway? i asked. it is a semi-formal party after all, and it kinda looks cool.

and my mom's reply, to quote verbatim:

"KUUL? wa ka gikilatig kolor? muadto kag debut nga mura kag N-P-EH (as in NPA)? pastilan na lang dong, pakaulaw lang gyud ka sa pamilya!!!....." achuchuchuchublahblahBLAH
throw in a couple of expletives here and there (actually a dozen would be more fitting), and you get the complete picture of her rock n' roll entreé.

heeding none of her theatrics, i hissed back... so?

then she went to the kitchen, got a hold of what seems to be a slender uhm... apparatus made of wood. there she went again, threatening me with her bunal. theatrics or not, i knew that thing could hurt me.

not that i'm afraid or anything (i'm 18 years old, why the hell would i be afraid of some
pathetic little wooden stick? i can perfectly defend myself), but i knew better than to mess with my mom in her tina arena/serial killer mode. or maybe i was just not in my best mood for another verbal/kung-fu-kawayan showdown that has become a trademark of our mother-son relationship.

anyway, i did my duty as a "member of my family", went to the mall, and looked for some "nice, decent slacks". the tricky thing about having my kind of body form is that nothing fits. i had to ransack the whole department store, or least the whole block of "men's wear", to find anything that hugged my waist and legs the way slacks are supposed to. after a long time of searching (for nothing... the smallest waist size that they had was size 31!!), and with my varicose veins threatening a bloody revolution, i finally did what i promised never to do again.

i went to "children's wear".

ugh. the humiliation. the surprised look of the sales ladies. the condescending sneer of the public. well, it was not that bad, and those sneers were prolly a figment of my paranoid imagination, but still. the reality of it is, everyone that i know, of my own age, are all growing up as man and woman, and here i am, still stuck choosing garment as a freaking child. but that is a different story altogether, and emo is just not my thing these days, so let's leave it at that.

unsurprisingly, i found the slacks that fit me just right. what surprised me though were the sales men and ladies. i was inside the fitting room, and when i went out, the sales person attending me went missing. very unprofessional of her. then i heard this jingly, bopping tune, christmas bells and santa claus's jolly laughter spreading sugar and sunshine in the atmosphere.

then boom! there the sales people were. all lined up, with brown horns in their heads (i suppose so that they'll look like reindeers, but i'm thinking of a whole other thing). they were smiling and.. and... dancing, shaking their groove thangs!. dancing, for the love of humanity! and they're, they're synchronized. apparently, they have a frakking choreography--jumps, waves, formations, they might as well have done a pyramid and basketball toss. and then i glanced at the other side of the floor, and much to my amusement, the sales agents were doing the same "routine".

i remember a friend telling me how wonderful life would be if it was turned into a musical, and that's just how i felt at that moment. i let out a a chuckle. the world may be crumbling, swamped in this "global financial crisis", each one fearing for their life as another Great Depression is looming, and what do people do?

they dance.

gearing up

2008-09-22T10:58:00.003+08:00

2 weeks and this sem would finally be over. this sem, i have made some terrible decisions and fucked up even the most unfuckable of things, yet i'm still hoping that i'd be able to pull it off at the last stretch.

weird enough, despite starting out really well (at least, that's what i thought), i am now fearful of the conclusion. my theology classes haven't been going very well, even if in theory it should be the no-brainer among all my sub*ects. maybe it's because the teacher is so damn narrowminded. or maybe her approach is ust wrong for the subect. YOU CAN NEVER reduce theology into a mere memorization of doctrinal definitions. unfortunately, that's what we have been doing all sem long. and it is such a shame because i was expecting to learn a lot from this course, seeing that i have some sprituality issues to deal with.

god! (no pun intended) enough about theology.

i need to add fuel to my fire... because right now it's waning, and is about to be permanently extinguished.

fuck, why am i turning out to be the poster boy of the burnt out club?

they're still butchering the pig

2008-09-14T12:04:00.000+08:00

it has been one hour already, and my porkchop is still not with me. my pyloric sphincter is threatening a revolution.

anyway.. continuing my ritual of writing nonsense before embarking in something that makes sense (and a very difficult sense, for that matter.. read: fucking CHICK EMBRYO), i will rant.

this week will go down in my memory lane as one of the worse, if not, the worst. no, i am not lying. and gosh, i am certainly not saying this to fish for consolatory compliments. when i say this week has been a blithering mess, i mean every word of it, in all its denotations and nuances.

this week brought me down to my knees. it made me realize that some things in life are best left uncrammed, and that diligence should not depend on what mood i am in. this week also taught me one practical lesson (although it's too bad that i have learned it too late):
reading the embryology textbook is useless. HAHA.

maybe it's about time that i live up to whatever is expected of me. i can complain all i want, and say that all these high expectations are unfair, but maybe all these hoo-ha really have a basis.

* apologies to mr. hernandez for dragging his ass way down here in xocolat. i know you would rather do a gazillion of things other than this. thanks for the company! haha...

i don't want to complain.. but

2008-09-09T14:21:00.000+08:00

what just happened was DISCRIMINATION.

if given the chance to choose a day whose existence would be nullified, today would fit the bill just right.

hoping tomorrow would not suck as it did today.

amen.

apologia

2008-09-01T19:21:00.000+08:00

infinite apologies from this side of the world. I DID NOT mean to flood your multiply inboxes with my blog posts. you see, there's this option wherein you can synchronize your blogger blah with your multiply. apparently, by clicking this option you also post all that you have written in your blogger. yeah, including those i've written way back circa 2004.

SPELL STUPID.

i want to be famous, and i dominate the world. but not that way.

if you want to post something, you don't click the draft button.

2008-08-30T22:59:00.007+08:00

I'm typing right now with my fingers all jittery. I had just consumed 2 venti cups of americano in under 5 hours, thus the mini hand seizures.

Anyway, I haven't written here for a very long time so expect this one to be a longer-than-usual but still as self-absorbed (as usual) entry.

Sitting and studying all alone in an isolated corner of a cafe for five hours straight may sound boring and hermitic, yet it has been anything but. In between reading my genetics textbook and staring at the ceiling in an effort to digest what I have read, I was able to recall funny, weird, amusing, PATHETIC things that happened to me this week. The following are just some of these:

* Loi Estrada, the former first lady (and a current senator) suddenly passed by in this cafe where I'm at. I was the only one in the cafe when she came in (without any company), so it was uhm.. an awkward and intimidating moment. She kinda looked older than when I've seen her in TV. The wrinkles were all apparent despite the very thick makeup she had (and perhaps, several face lifts...), so it just goes to show that despite the many medical advances in upholding human vanity, old is still old. There's no escaping wrinkles, and that's just the way it is. And oh, she ordered caramel frappe (or what looks like it). Coincidentally, that's what I also ordered.

* Genetics may sound cool, and it is, but cool doesn't mean it won't make a noodle soup out of your cerebral cortex. It's the most technical bio subject I've ever taken, and it's HARD. Plus, it has that distinctive characteristic of turning seemingly harmless letters like A,C,T,G and U into absurdly mind-boggling and epistaxis-inducing objects of scorn. The upside to all of this is our prof. She has this funny accent and it always brings out a hearty chuckle in me. And I totally love her for that. Haha.

* I found out that I got a more than okay result for my philo orals. In fact, I rocked the hell out of it. Which is surprising because while I was trying to make my outlines, my temporal arteries were throbbing like maniacs that I thought I would die of aneurysm. Maybe, it's the fact that I saw my literary idol jessica Zafra a minute before I took my orals that the articulate and profound in me were suddenly unleased. Or maybe it's because I got number 6 for three consecutive times. You see, we were given 5 thesis statements, so if you rolled the dice and you got number 6, you have to roll it again. And I did that for three times. Amusing.

* 4 hours from now, I'll be riding a bus going to Calatagan. We'll be having a med mission there. This reminds me that I have yet to find a drug company who's willing to give their spare drugs for my org's upcoming med mission. Bad, bad pharma head. * Note: I command the "thinking I" to finish this task next week. Otherwise, I command this "thinking I" to shoot one's self for being an irresponsible bastard.

* I don't know what to do with my reflection paper about pornography except for the fact that I have finalized my first sentence, which is this: "I was nine years old when I first realized that Cinderella has a shaved vagina". Shocking eh? What's more fun is that I'm submitting this to my theology class.

* It's funny how people look flabbergasted when it's their first time to see me dance, disbelief written all over their faces. People, I may be a bespectacled nerd engulfed with all these big books, but when it comes to groovin', I'm up for the challenge y'all. Btw, ARSA qualified for the finals. Woot woot.

Ano pa ba? My net is about to expire so I should end this thing now.

God, I still need to read about 50 pages of DNA information after DNA information that I suddenly want to regress into a fetus, peacefully swimming in my mom's amniotic fluid. Obviously I can't. Life's a bitch, duh. But I had always known this, and I never had any real issues with it. Actually, I have always preferred bitches from goody-goodies.

So where was I again? Oh there. Concurrent synthesis occurs on the leading and lagging strands. Whatever that may mean, it sounds lovely.

i still inhale oxygen

2008-06-27T11:23:00.002+08:00

peepz. i maybe silent for the past few weeks, or month, but i'm still here, furiously kicking and screaming. it's just that our new dorm is breaking the old definitions of CRAP and taking it into a whole other level of debaucherie by not having any connections to the net at all, whether wi-fi, LAN, or even dial-up. the latest announcement goes that it's gonna exist as soon as possible, and by the looks of it, they're using the word soon in its loosest definition. thus, i still can't do my daily routine of virtual hopping and updating about my latest shenanigans. add to that is my lack of luck that is the destruction of Miming, my laptop. drenched by the wrath of the clouds and the wind, she has become one of the thousands of casualties that the typhoon Frank has mercilessly reaped (pray. lots and lots of it are what we should do. and donations if we have enough to give).

that's all.

P.S.

jinitics rocks. bayoloji rocks. our teeeaccchhheeer in jinitics rocks.

summer lovin'.. if you hate spoilers, this won't be your cup of tea.

2008-05-27T01:30:00.001+08:00

summer classes are finally over, and first things first-- indiana jones 4 with my cuz sam. and where to? of course, right where my heart is. my home, my davao. (cheez it!... haha)

now about indy 4-- in my honest and completely worthless opinion (meaning, i'm not a movie critic), the movie delivered the necessary goods. there was definitely that element of fun, lots of it, although some are bordering on the ridiculous and idiotic. the cast was great... as usual, cate blanchett gave a very HOOOOT performance (now i'm thinking if i should replace natalie portman... hmmm..). the story was... weird. not that it's a bad thing, it's indiana jones after all. but of the four, this was... uhm.. the most bizaare? that scene with aliens, spaceships and a possessed cate blanchett, suddenly bursting into sparkles of fire... what's up with that yo? and the nuclear bomb scene... i thought it was useless and far out, considering the whole narrative of the crystal skull business. but somehow, it reminded me of the horrors of the atomic bomb, which evidently is terrible and rotten (hiroshima anyone?). that, together with the fact that it's indiana mindless jones we are talking about, IS ODD.

the cliff scene was the one scene that i was really pissed about... literally. if you know me, you'd know that i'm really scared of heights. watching that cliff scene (which, by the way, was really MINDLESS) suddenly gave me the urge to cringe and piss all over my pants. i cannot for the life of me bear to look at cars being hard-pressed into falling in a deep, tropical bangin. and the ants.. the ANTS! SCARY fucking ants.

so...

if you want some grand, eloquent portrayal and declaration about the profundities of life and beyond, you got the wrong side of the tracks dearest. i cannot emphasize it more that this movie is NOT for you.

BUT if all you want is some good fun under the sun, watch indiana jones and you'll surely be flooded with a whole heap of it.

and as for me, and as of now? all i can say is.. what a perfect start to a summer break. indeed, it's a vacation!

looking forward to the drivin', bummin', and the french open. go serena!

currently listening to: the pathetic soundtrack of spelling challenges (it's the only game that i know how to play in my psp (black, shiny and brand new!)... i'm new to this thing. that's how ideal my childhood was. no playstation. just study, eat, sleep, wake up, and then study again. and looky-looky what do we have now? one heck of a fine young boy, that's what. meowth that's me!. hahahahaha... ayaw nag palag.

currently reading: nothing. although i'm tempted by d.h. lawrence's women in love. but eh? it's a vacation, remember? no to nosebleed books, i insist.

if things get boring, change templates. or watch movies. or sleep. just don't read a psychiatry textbook.

2008-05-17T10:50:00.002+08:00

it's raining and it's cold, and i don't have a jacket. i'm bored, i wanna drink, grind my body, be bacchus-for-a-night... anything to make me get out of my tidied-up hole (believe me!). BUT i don't have anything in my wardrobe. why? don't let me explain. it would be a long and weird explanation. i'm already weird as it is.

see.. just when i thought i'd let myself relax and enjoy, the universe suddenly concocts something so kill-joy and boring as this.

i'm notorious for bugging the hell out of my peepz (i have them, don't act so surprised) when i'm bored. and so i have. but then, not a lot of people are online or are in my vicinity right now (just five, FIVE!!!.. six, if you include my sleeping and fhm-posing roommate), seeing that it's a saturday night and most normal citizens celebrate the end of their five-day-long toils on saturday nights. obviously, bugging the hell out of five beings can also be a bit boring and lame. not to mention the intense hostility that i will get from those i irritated and harassed.

and so, i decided to change the template of this blog. my old template was old anyway (well.. duh!!!), so bringing something new and fresh to this abandoned place is very much welcome. as you can see, it's mostly black. and very minimally-designed. which, in essence, is the deepest and darkest core of my psyche. be as simple and as dark as possible. as to what i mean by "dark", i think you know it already.

speaking of freshening up, i think i will write more frequently this time. i hate writing in a notebook because i can't even read my own writing. nor do i want to store my thoughts in Miming, since she's prone to sudden, virally-induced freak outs. so i'd do it here na lang. i don't think anybody reads this crap anyway, except for you, if my statcounter is being honest and sincere. so from now on, whatever goes on in my life... i'll write.

yey, finally i'm now over my boredom.

but the rain is still pouring, i still don't have my jacket, and you bet your big, sexy gluts i still want to be drinking and dancing ala-van wilder. and i'm still miserably stuck since i can't do ANYTHING about it. the day is not mine, i concede.

oh, i just remembered. i still have that psychiatry textbook to read. might as well, just for kicks. who knows, i might diagnose you with a personality disorder someday, and say things like: "so (insert your name here), tell me about your childhood?"

and someday, you will inevitably spill your guts off to me.

someday.

currently listening to: across the universe soundtrack (LOVE is all we need. and this soundtrack also, just in case that lurve needs some fueling up)
currently reading: that damn psychiatry textbook, and "i am charlotte simmons" by tom wolfe.

age dilemmas

2008-04-27T12:18:00.005+08:00

last week i decided (more like forced, thanks for nothing france!) to cut my hair, and all i could think of is how much i want to choke whoever chopped my long, long hair into this one big mass of black, ugly fibers. whatever his name is, i think he sucks. i told him, i just wanted a trim, not a massive obliteration of my beloved hair length.

and so right now, instead of looking like the kick-ass, non-conformist alec maquiling that i thought i once was, i now don the 12 year-old jose rizal vision. one-sided bangs and all that sucky, jologs jazz.

ahh.. fuhrustraaating!

what makes all this hooh-haah more miserable is that i really want to look mature and old. someone respectable. or if not, someone who looks like my age. an 18 year old junior majoring in biology and a prospective candidate for the "mr. world-dominator" title. not a 12 year old boy with an extended breastfeeding phase. it is one of the greatest dilemmas in my life that i'm trying to solve. and my new haircut is not helping it. and to top it all off, someone just asked for my identification card. it would have been ok if they asked for the identification cards of everyone i'm with that night. but, sadly, the idiotic people in that establishment singled me out. thank god for my driver's license!

fuck them... them... ah.. idiots!

i'm seriously considering dyeing my hair white. or frowning, so that all those wrinkles will appear.

how pathetic.

emoness yo

2008-04-21T21:03:00.003+08:00

before i go taking on equations whose solution DOES NOT FREAKIN EXIST (what's the fucking point if in the end, no solution exists?)

and before i try to make sense of thermal pollution and all the unfortunate havoc it causes to innocent little salmons and trouts..

i. will pause. and try to ponder upon how one aspect of myself has been violently shaken. sabotaged, peeled off, and replaced.

it seems that from the the two years that i've been removed from my sheltered bubble of a bookish world, i've grown a heart. that beats for people. for friends. funny that i once thought that "friends" were for the weak. for those that can't stand on their own; those who do not have the capacity to deal with life's prickly tantrums. on their OWN.

only to be bitch-slapped by the fact that no matter how much i think of myself as independent, detached, and strong- in the end, i'm also as human and as weak as anyone can get. that i also need to be needy. and that my so called independence was just one big mask for the loneliness that plagues my countenance wherever i go.

and now... now that i've been given the chance to dispel that loneliness, i slowly try to spoil it all up. just like all the other good things that were given to me. that, or they.. breathe in... out.. leave. with a snap of their fingers, their own blue bubbles burst.

and just like the limit of \h\ over h... they suddenly become inexistent.

P.S.

peepz, contrary to popular opinion, i did not eat racumin or baygon while writing this. i'm free of any poison or any other chemical substances that could have affected my mental well-being. not that i'm saying i'm mentally well. and in case you're wondering: i still don't care. who said anything about caring?

random

2008-03-22T18:48:00.004+08:00

because i'm already bored making a movie that revolves around me, and me only, that i'm now sick of myself, i rant this:

i have posted infinite entries about my bout with the mother-of-all bitch org chem, you'd think i'm married to it. in a way, yes. through the bad times and the good (if there were any... maybe.. let me think.. god.. wala talaga), i have stayed with it. not that i have a choice. it's a part of the bs bio curriculum, and as a being who has chosen the path towards a bs bio diploma, in the hopes of getting an MD diploma in the far (FAAAR) future, i'm obliged to ttaakkee it.

the end of org chem is near, and so far?

so bad.

good thing, there is psych. i love psych! i'm seriously considering a career in psychiatry. they say only the truly crazy ones can understand what it means to live as society's whacko. raise the roof, for i am also crazed. genuine and uninhibited. BUANG.

i'm counting the days til i part with org chem. and it's still many.

movie-making has resumed.

org chem sucks

2008-03-17T01:09:00.005+08:00

i know it's 1 am, and i know haven't finished studying for this big org chem exam. far from it, in fact. but i just can't resist stalling the whole study process in exchange for some odd minutes here and there, watching youtube videos or blog surfing or typing nonsense. somehow, my brain has resisted what it has been incessantly fed with for... 18-4=14... years of schooling. mind you, unconsciously. read: not of my own volition.

believe me, i really want to study and not fail the exam.

but.

here i am, sitting pretty, warming the chair my skinny ass is sitting in. in viva las tropicanas, with a lemonade in one hand, and sunblock lotion in the other.

which reminds me: a tinge of the future summer days has just been offered by Mother Earth, and jesus me, its hawt. gotta hand it to the atmosphere though. it and its humidity-filled expression of its wrath. hey, with all the CFCs and plutonium and fart out there, i'm not surprised. if i was the atmosphere, i would let the UV rays do its talking and burn the hell out of this planet. that's what i call reciprocity.

i am really, really bored. and so not in the mood for raw, bare org chem mindfuck.

but what can i do? i'm still a grade whore. was, is and will always be. id or no id.

must study. must study. must study.

or not.

cross-eyed

2008-02-25T13:53:00.003+08:00

i was tabulating data for our eco project for almost an hour. eyes strained. fingers quivering.

it was about gdp per capita percent distribution by economic sectors at current prices from 1980 to 2006. i know right?

that's not my point though.

so okay. here i was, painstakingly digging economic statistics way back in the time when the philippines' was marcos's little playground. one by one, quarter by quarter, i added, divided, subtracted and multiplied never-ending numbers in the hopes of finishing this shit for eco. so that i can move on to org chem exam (still haven't studied for that) and finish my paper for psych blah blah, and then after all that, LIVE my life.

the table was made. the graph was done. save changes as.

only to realize that i used the wrong data as my reference. instead of using current prices, i used constant prices. if you've taken up basic eco, you'll see that current and constant prices are like night and day. so basically, the last one hour of my life was invalidated. VOID.

putang inang yawa! pakshet! fuck!

i now present to you the infamous and classic signature of alec maquiling.

as hardworking as he is stupid.

maka-org chem na nga lang. bwisit!

to the long weekend and the stress that is next week

2008-02-22T20:35:00.004+08:00

the long weekend is here for the taking, but weirdly, i don't feel it coming. with all the things that i need to do for the week after, i think anyone in my shoes will not be jumping up and down either. i have an exam for this sadistic ritual masked as a "required subject" (really, org chem is torture) and three papers for psychology coming up on tuesday. a moving exam, this time, about these ugly little creatures called "tissues" on wednesday. and a useless project in economics to be passed on thursday.

i know, i know. there are countless people suffering from situations a lot more distressful than mine. uhm.. take for example, mr. jun lozada, the darling of the press at the moment . he's totally caught in the sticky web of this big black mamba (yes, i'm anti-arroyo). the thing about black mambas is that their fierce. Once you get caught in its web, sorry, you are not given the chance to turn your back and undo things. tsk. poor "probinsiyanong intsik". and no, i am not an adamant supporter of him. what did he mean when he said he's just a "probinsiyanong intsik"? if i was a probinsiyanong intsik and i heard that in national tv spoken in such a fashion as to collect sympathy from viewers, i would be pissed. it's as if he's saying that because of him being that, he automatically becomes inferior, simple, goody-goody and honest. what a big laugh that was. if you want to confess to the public, then you're very welcome to do so. but you know, making such dumb statements isn't gonna help your cause. it will make you look too trying hard and inconsistent. if you want to tell the truth, tell the damn truth. don't make all this theatrics, and don't pretend like you're an angel. i don't know you well enough, but i have a strong hunch that you are far from being an angel. but for all it's worth, i hope what you are fighting for won't end up in vain.

i hope things get better. they should get better or else, all filipinos will be doomed. save for the black mamba and her BFFs. i really, really, really pray that a definitive figure will come out and be that CONCRETE persona to match against this bully administration. right now, we don't have that, and it is the biggest problem of them all.

see.. i get so political when i'm not feeling it.

school is crappy.

so i guess, the end part in weekend isn't gonna happen.

que horror!

2008-02-14T17:15:00.004+08:00

i just experienced the worst antithesis for valentine's day.

i beat the crap out of something made up of rubber (with a name.. it's conrad) for 3 hours straight.

and now, blisters are all over my palms.

fuck arnis.

as usual, valentine's day didn't spark any warm and fuzzies to me. as usual, i still don't have a clue why i don't feel what most feel as human beings with a hypothalamus and a heart.

i just don't have THAT for anybody or anything. maybe i'm a cyborg. or.. something is really messed up with my neurological network.

either way, i still don't give a fuck about valentine's. it's too red and flowery for my taste.

the key

2008-02-13T18:19:00.002+08:00

eureka!

i think i just discovered for myself the antidote that i've been searching for a long time.

drum roll drum roll.

here it is: i will not use my laptop for entertainment purposes. i will only use it for checking mails, and making papers or laboratory reports.

hahaha...

what a fucking histology lab class. it's so draining, and it's raining digestive jargons men! enough to make another huge lahar. and oh, kill the damn taenia coli. it's NOWHERE to be found.

crap, another lab report to make. at least it's the last. might as well put an effort into it. meaning, i'd do it now, the day before the deadline. not during the day the lab report should be submitted. i think that was the name of the game for me for the past 8 lab reports (aka.. all lab reports).

i tell you Mother Earth. change is gonna come. and when it comes, i will rock the world and every citizen living in it!

I'm really sleepy right now because I "crammed" for my SA exam. It turns out, the exam is canceled because our teacher got hospitalized. Frustrating. But what can we do? We don't want these things happening, but they do happen. C'est la vie. Hope our prof gets well soon.

RAANDOOM

2008-02-12T20:36:00.000+08:00

yesterday, after attending the problem session in org chem for the second time (!) (which was supposed to be the 20th or something, if only i went to the previous sessions) , i went to my prof. it was actually a super late visit already because he gave that horrible "see me!" in my paper using red ink, and yes, with an exclamation point, way back last december.

so he gave me my class standing, and a preppy go-fight-win!, i love to give A's to everybody speech. i was kinda relieved that i did not get a D. but i was definitely, definitely disappointed on myself. this sem, i had laid out goals so high that reaching it made my joints hurt. as in literally, physically hurt (of the reddish, swollen sort). well who could blame me? i was at a high after getting my report card last sem showing spectacular, unexpected numbers and symbols. so i told myself that maybe, i could be better this sem. but the catch is that, if i want to be better, i should have A's all around the world. which is impossible. but delusional me still went on with the plan.

and where am i now? definitely not in that lalala-land of the teletubbies with an adorable sun-baby. i wouldn't say i'm suicidal-depressed either. i never become depressed with this kind of thing. teary-eyed, yes. raging bitch, yes. depressed, suicidal and laslas-prone? no. i save those for the real emo shit issues. thankfully, every after 2 hours (give or take 1 hour), it leaves my system, making me more-or-less relatively normal. not that i'm claiming i'm normal. no. never. normal is bland.

ANYWAY.

the thing is, it kinda hurts bad because i know all these things that bother me right now would not have existed have i exercised a little bit of self-discipline. a little less surfing. a little less reading pocketbooks. a little less watching... uhm.. movies (what were you thinking?). a little more scholarly persistence. but the thing is, if i do that, it would mean a little less of who i really am, and a little more pretensions.

i cannot stop surfing the net. i cannot stop myself from reading books and no way i'm gonna stop watching movies.

or maybe, my circadian rhythm is just so off. like 24 hours for others would be 26.78 hours for me. because i'm either late or not there at all.

i'm sick and tired of that whole time management thing. if i majored on that, i would have gotten DL. as in D-list. i suck at managing my time. time is not golden for me. i treat it like it's my friend just walking and sauntering along with me. sad truth is, it sprints like crazy. one minute you are side-by-side with it, the next blink, it is so far away from you. giving you no chance to play catch-up.

which is what i am doing now. hey, i am fast too, given the right circumstances.

CONSISTENCY is the key to the door that opens to happily ever after.

so i think i should start finding that key.

oh shoot, where did i last place that key?

fuck this ADHD and alzheimer's. get away from me.

P.S. I have this cough that has been going on since December. it just wouldn't stop. i think i'm dying.

useless post

2008-02-05T15:46:00.001+08:00

i just realized that i have been ignoring you for a long time now. so i just want to say to you my bloggie that I'm alive.. not really alert, and definitely not enthusiastic.

that's all.

guidance interview later. haha... every time i have this, i think about play-acting. like presenting myself as a wasted molested kid just for the hell of it. see what psychobabble will pour from my counselor's mouth.

well, the fact that i'm thinking about is enough, i guess. i'm psycho. and i like to babble.

short

2007-12-10T14:36:00.000+08:00

i'm just depressed. that' all.

hexane burns

2007-11-29T20:01:00.000+08:00

hexane is flammable!

pre-labs exist for an important reason... to avoid major life-threatening fuck-ups during experiments.

so to you stupid self: understand what you write in you pre-lab. it could be the difference between living and passing away.

for the past 2 days, i only went to my histology and org chem lab class. the rest of my classes? slept through it. why? surfing the net.. surfing the net... surfing the net... then sleeping at 6 am in the morning.

and i say, i want to be a doctor?

tsk. tsk. when will i ever grow up?

oh peppermint, my peppermint!

2007-11-28T22:55:00.000+08:00

oh peppermint, my peppermint!

just watched "the kingdom" earlier with my blockies... salamat franz sa ticket! hehe... no offense to franz who invited us, but the movie sucked. i expected a lot from it since there's jamie foxx, jennifer garner and chris cooper, all of which have proven their worth as performers. unfortunately, all their talents were just wasted and thrown into a deep, dark abyss (aka the movie's ridiculously preposterous script)...

it was like watching a 2 hour episode of CSI, minus the intelligence, excitement and the high-end gadgets...

but, it's still fun since i got to go out with my blockies, which was the point of the whole going out thing..

and oh.. oh.... it's november, meaning it's almost christmas, meaning starbucks is now offering their holiday specials, meaning peppermint mocha frappe has arrived in town... meaning... immense joy from yours truly.. sorry dad, but i can't resist "wasting your money" over this. you can never understand how much "peppermint mocha frappe" means to me.

peppermint mocha frappe is JOY.

postlab, prelab, and everything i left and ignored coming up..

buti na lang may peppermint mocha frappe...

hooh!

weird illness..es

2007-11-27T02:26:00.000+08:00

first there is my godzilla- mother of all pimples- acne attack right at the tip of my nose.

which resulted to my first visit to a dermatologist. (and in one fleeting moment, i actually considered working as a dermatologist, but then, totally discarded the idea 10 seconds after...)

which resulted to 1 week of doxycycline... imagine... a mere pimple (yup... it's only one... a BIG one) causing 1 week of antibiotics!

then my worsening vertebral condition... i'm talking of course about my scoliotic back...

then... these juvenile rheumatoid arthritis thing... which later on was re-diagnosed as
which made me afraid because gout in children and adolescents is rare.. and may usually be caused by a more severe underlying condition (possibly renal disease!)...

i mean... wow... what's up with my body?

does this mean i'm gonna die young?

because if i am, well then it's time for me to move my ass off of all these trivial negativities surrounding me, and start appreciating my existence more.

ang morbid ko naman.. but it's kinda hard for a hypochondriac like me not to take these kind of things seriously...

god.. just please... whatever your plan for my lifeis , just make me wiser, and stronger and... uhm... i guess... BETTER in dealing with this so-called life...

because right now, considering all things, i'm just not that ABLE TO LIVE efficiently...

ok?

regret

2007-11-19T00:15:00.001+08:00

well, it has been eons since i wrote my last entry here. but that's not enough hindrance for me to write something purportedly full of regret.

not that i'm filling in about the details... wala lang.. writing about how i feel regretful seems to be enough for me.. (yeah.. yeah.. what's the point of writing this? guess what... none of your business.. hehe)

as long as i have acknowledged for myself that i was.. i am.. regretful...

as long as i'm fully aware that what i did would have negative repercussions... and as long as i'm prepared for those repurcussions to happen, regardless of how lamentable my future will get...

i guess that's enough to convince me that everything will turn out mighty fine... besides everything always end in death... what could be worse than that?

wow... i am scaring myself with these thoughts...

so anyway back to striving and burning the brows...

regret

2007-11-19T00:15:00.000+08:00

well, it has been eons since i wrote my last entry here. but that's not enough hindrance for me to write something purportedly full of regret.

not that i'm filling in about the details... wala lang.. writing about how i feel regretful seems to be enough for me.. (yeah.. yeah.. what's the point of writing this? guess what... none of your business.. hehe)

as long as i have acknowledged for myself that i was.. i am.. regretful...

and as long as i'm fully aware that what i did would have negative repercussions... and as long as i'm prepared for those repurcussions to happen, regardless of how lamentable my future will get...

i guess that's enough to convince me that everything will turn out mighty fine... besides everything always end in death... what could be worse than that?

wow... i am scaring myself with these thoughts...

so anyway back to striving and burning the brows...

emo shit

2007-10-01T22:20:00.001+08:00

i'm about to be dropped from my history class.. or if that's not true, i'll still not get the bonus points which our teacher promised to us because of my stupid absence in histo today (although I hope I will not need those bonus points.. please.. or I would kill myself for these ever-consistent stupidity clinging hardly to my insides). or maybe, he won't give me the chance to take my oral exams which is like a big chunk of my histo grade.

i have NSTP requirements which I haven't passed yet. late. as usual.

A stupid bota lab write up that was due three weeks ago.

a theo paper, which can be possibly passed late.

haven't studied for the dreaded lab exam in cat anatomy or cat mutilation 101 (i refuse to call it compa ana, because it seems like we're not comparing anatomies anymore..
we're just mindlessly ransacking every bit of dignity dead cats have during their stay here as cute cats... pusakals, yeah, but still cute.. it would be more wonderful if we're dissecting the body of hitler, that fucking psycho who almost destroyed the whole world with his delusions of grandeur..)

haven't slept soundly and soundly for the whole sem.

and tons of very depressing stuff about my personal life that i can't write about.

oh the rapture, oh the joy.. to cease existing. if i can afford to do it, i would.

but you know me. a coward. was, is, and will always be.

so, i therefore conclude that i should continue to smile that cowardly smile, and live the cowardly life.

after all, i still believe that there's gonna be more to life than this motherfucking shit i'm having. wow.. that's rare optimism coming out from me.

after reading this, all i said to myself was: ANG GALING MONG MAG DRAMA KUYA... WINNER KA.. hehe...

frustrations frustrations

2007-09-11T23:44:00.000+08:00

i reek of frustrations, and it makes me wanna slit everything in my body that is slit-able.

fuck this.

frustration

2007-08-24T15:51:00.000+08:00

alright. here's how to suck the biggest time in a day where you fully know you have 2 shithole exams coming up:

1. play some ancient computer game in your laptop for 1 hour (!), thinking that you have all the time in the world to study later...

2. then, if you get bored playing that stupid, stupid carpal tunnel syndrome- inducing game: sleep. for the reason that your eyes deserve a time to relax after straining them with those minuscule images in that laptop game you played.

3. wake up, 3 hours before the said exams... after not studying anything.

4. and then... hurrah!.. YOU WILL FEEL PERFECTLY DEPRESSED AND WORTHLESS AND SUICIDAL, THINKING WHAT A SHITTY SON OF A BITCH YOU HAVE GROWN INTO.

silent retreat

2007-07-30T03:42:00.000+08:00

i want to have a silent retreat, beginning now...

wala lang

2007-07-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

gah. compa ana lab. fuck it. totally, absolutely F. it made me sleep from 6:30 pm to 9:30 am the following day. total blackout. funny, how my brain respond to stress. how very cowardly. haha.

that shit called the first exam in compa ana lec. it was nothing. seriously. it's god's way of telling me that he can give me blessings which i didn't pray for. so stop bugging the hell out of me. chill. you have all the time in the world to brew your one grand scheme to topple me down. take note, however. do it the right way! because my brain is not gonna leave me for a long period of time. and as of now, it serves me well. or better yet fight your own self. it's more constructive and efficient and five thousand times better than competing with a being you can't even compete with in the first place. hahaha...

i have a new name. kuya bangs. if you know me, i expect that you know why.. a very DUH explanation. it's not from me though. it's from the kids i teach during saturdays in marytown. i like it. Bangs Maquiling. sounds like a name of a cheap porn star eh? just the way i like it.

shifting to bio was a good move for me. it gives my ego its needed appreciation. haha.

ano pa ba?

i love cads. i'm a misfit there. but i love it, still.

i'll stop spending!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god, what a stupid, spoiled brat i am. i'm never holding a credit card ever again!

lab report for bota.. coming up....

joey's pc is what i am using

2007-07-20T00:01:00.000+08:00

i just realized that i'm too lazy to make complete sentences. oh, and that i'm also too lazy for anything. i'm bound to contribute to the accumulating shit in this planet. i'm bound to be a shit. (technically, everyone of us are bound to be shit.. degraded by saprophytes and transformed into the most formidable humus in the soil).

fuck you, loser of all losers. just because i look like a nerd (and yes, i admit i am) doesn't mean i don't have a life. so stop telling me to quit cads, quit studying, quit x, where x is anything that makes me feel good about my being alive, alert and enthusiastic. stop bugging me. because seriously, you don't want me mad. i have psychopathic tendencies. don't be the catalyst for its activation. you don't want that, i swear.. with my right hand raised.

joining cads is an eye opening experience for me. it just proves that believing in miracles is not enough, relying to them is the absolute prerequisite to happiness. however, this event has also painfully highlighted what a pathetic dancer i am.

no credit cards. no mother. extreme sadness. freedom.

i repeat. i am not a genius. stop treating me like one. ang feeler ko naman pakinggan. i mean it though.

i wish i could just live in dubai right now and finish my studies there. that's a quite nice proposition from roger. but then there's med school.. tsk. tsk. complicates everything.

i thank god for putting me in the right block. i just love them all.

i'm losing weight when all i ever think about is.. kelan pa kaya ako tataba noh?

i'll die early. i'm really, really positive about this. plus, i really really believe that i'm destined to be a prophet. whatever.

i love biostat. i just love it. i miss math... i miss hating it. so, biostat kind of reminds me how hate-able math is.

i want to tell you something. but i think you're too shallow for you to take it. so forget fancy secret relaying.

from the pisay movie trailer.. (psst. illumina, watch tayo!!!).. "you are nothing.. but a unicellular protozoan amoeba"... winner! another winning line.. *with the bisaya accent... "you are the bist of the bist.. you are the krem of the krem of the krahp"... it just makes me miss pisay all the more so.

must make bota lab project. fuck the moving exam. but must make project. must make 5%.

*sa palagay ko, ako lamang ang nakahihinuha sa mga kuru-kurong aking inihain sa pahinang ito. mas masaya ito.. hooh.

kevs ko kung di nyo gets. dabah?

grades

2007-07-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

don't you just hate boundary grades, the lower boundary grades?

oh come on, bitchy self, stop bitchin'.

but how can i stop?

yehey

2007-07-08T00:48:00.000+08:00

yehey.. i passed cads... hai... although i think i still can't perform this sem.

alert

2007-07-06T00:49:00.000+08:00

i haven't updated for the longest of times (i feel like i'm entirely shunned from the digital age.. fuck the stupid network card and that bullshit bat video which are the root of all abominations that were)... but if you think this is an update... enk. this is not.

i have an entry that i'm supposed to enter in this blog (ang labo!) but my dear, old friend Laziness got the better of me.. so yun.. that entry just got stuck on My Documents folder of stupid Miming (my uncivilized laptop) wondering when will it ever be allowed to show off its stuff.

maybe i would post it sometime this weekend.

pero.. teka lang.. why bother?

as a friend of mine, who has a knack for creating quotable quotes on her way to becoming the female version of adolf hitler (adolfa hitler?), once said: blogging is public masturbation.

what a way to say it.

so there.

i finally was able to masturbate after a long period of hibernation- what on earth have i just written?

i promise you.. the next entry would be more substantial and would be a lot longer.

not that i think you would care. wala lang.. nais ko lamang malaman mo kung ano ang maaari mong mamalas sa mga susunod ko pang sulatin.

au revoir for now.

p.s thanks yeye for the internet! you're the best!

first week of second year

2007-06-18T15:15:00.000+08:00

god i hate this. i have no network card, no modem, no sound card installed in my laptop. which means no internet, no music, no tv series watching, no freaking everything that a modern laptop can do. basically, what i have right now is an ultrasavvy electrical typewriter. i would have liked the savvy part, but come the freak on. i'm a teenager. i'm entitled to the entertainment features of the modern computer. why has the world stripped this off of my device. whatever. but still.

on the good side. i like my history teacher. i think i will learn a lot from him.

on the bad side. ms. else dapat is not dr. salvacion angtuaco. she can't even explain evolution clearly. even with the "Ph.D." level she has subtlely boasted in front of 95 bored and reluctant compa. ana. learners. ok fine. i'm just bitter.

i think this will be a great sem. not because i'm sure of it. but there's what what we call dream, wish and hope. it's all of them. (Huh?)

and oh, oh... i'm trying out for cads. haha... what an illusionist (wrong use of the word.. ). i'm not that good in dancing, but i was inspired by this quote made by michael jordan about how okay it is to fail than never to have tried. i'll rather be a failure than a loser (what's exactly the diff? scratch head.. scratch head). so there. TRY OUTS. but again. dream, wish, hope. it's never bad to do those things.

so god bless my soul.

and i'm ending this thing on a sad note. i'm not minoring in french anymore. sniff sniff (cocaine.. shocks, pathetic!). it's just too far away from the medical world (which is the world i really want to be a part of), and i think i don't have any plans of practicing my future profession (assuming?) in france, belgium, canada, south africa or any french speaking territory for that matter. i want to work here. in las filipinas. my very own third world. it's a conscience thing.. haha. as if i have one.

so there.

summer

2007-06-03T19:37:00.000+08:00

wow.. ngayon lang ako nakafeel ng break na talagang break. kasi wala talaga akong gagawin ngayong break na ito kundi matulog, magbasa, mamasyal.. at hindi mag-aral (as in.. wala talagang koneksyon whatsoever sa acads.. ).. haha.. pambihira talaga yung summer term na yun.. nilusaw talaga nun buong kalamnan ko.. pero oh well... feeling ko naman, it was all worth it.. lahat ng "paghihirap" ko. sana naman.. shet.. bukas na ang distribution ng grades... which me reminds me. kelangan ko pa palang gumawa ng authorization letter para makuha ko grade at reg form ni france... pambihirang babae 'to ano.. ako pa pinapagawa ng authorization letter. na kung iisipin mo naman ay parang letter authorizing myself to do something for someone.. gets mo yun? letter to authorize myself! na sinulat ko.. pero ayos lang..

atsaka nga pala.. sasayaw kami sa debut ni tal.. hai.. gud luck na lang sa aming sasayaw.. sana naman hindi kami magkalat dun.. tapos tinanong ako ni anna kung pwede akong mag 18 roses (o candles? hindi lang ako sure.. aba.. ano bang malay ko!) sa kanyang debut.. syempre... ako naman.. why not, 'di ba?

at at... uhm.. ai tama.. pumunta pala kami ng mga hs batchmates ko sa enchanted... ang saya saya saya saya talaga namin dun... advanced bday celebration ni sharon... at, get this.. sagot n'ya ang lahat. transpo, entrance fee, dinner.. shett! ang bongga ni sharon.. kakaiba talaga yung space shuttle na yun.. parang naka-isang libo ako nun ng putang ina.. as in.. one ride lang ng space shuttle na yun.. namaos ako kaagad.. haha..

what grades would i stare at in my grade report tomorrow? i'm expecting to get a c or a d in fil 14.. and b tops for zoo lec and lab...

haha... ang feeling ko.. para namang makukuha ko talaga yun..

atsaka.. kahit happy happy ako ngayon. medyo depressed pa rin ako.. kasi may first cousin sa mother side na si ate bellen (na pinakamabait sa lahat ng mabait na anak ng lupa!!) ay may sakit sa kidney. critical condition daw so.. prayers, prayers, prayers.. it's the best that i (and hopefully, kung sino mang naligaw sa mindless site na ito.. and you) can do...

if only i was a doctor..

hai..

drama

2007-05-21T07:06:00.000+08:00

Drama — an imaginary condition made up by sad, lonely individuals with no real problems in their life who feel the need to drag stable, well-balanced individuals who are trying to make a valuable contribution to society down to their level in hopes of making themselves feel better.

Sa mga madramang tao... lubayan niyo ako!!!

It's 7:05 and I still haven't made my fil paper yet.. which is due on 3.. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?? Oh well... I can feel the taste of that illustrious D.. as in demonic.. puDang ina.. Detse.. damn it!!

2007-05-18T20:38:00.000+08:00

i was looking through the lists of my posts.. and i suddenly saw that this entry was labelled as a draft.. haha.. maybe i unknowingly clicked that draft button.. tsk tsk.. and seeing that this is a pretty long entry.. well.. sayang naman kung hindi ko ipopost.. so there.. this date is supposed to be for may 18.. haha..

i want to sleep but i can't. and my mind is currently on the floating world right now. and everything that i have done today were all screw ups. sucked at the moving exam. sucked at zoo lec.. didn't understand anything at all about today's discussion... sucked at filipino (but then ,when did i not suck at this subject?)... sucked at portering (oh really.. to the one that i unfortunately roused... i'm terribly sorry..).

my soul is just floating right now...

oh.. and just a quick retort:

in fairness to me... and no, i'm not making any excuses of what i did.. i know it was indeed a horrible thing for me to do.. and i did tell you that i did a thing that's really bad to you... minus the exact details.. hihi..

but i was thinking.. how many lab reports did i share to you? and by share... i mean, completely let you copy (ok.. not verbatim.. but editing it doesn't really change the fact that i did let you borrow/copy my lab reportsss..).. fine.. lame excuse... but still... consider it my twisted version of mutualism.

and at that time, i was really, REALLY incapable of thinking anything.. and i was really, REALLY desperate to pass an essay. and oh, just so you know.. i got a C+ in that essay... so, karmic forces do exist in this world... if you're praying for gaba to strike me.. don't worry... it already did... and yeah.. again, i wish to say sorry.

i swear i'm not gonna let anyone borrow my laptop anymore.. i'll keep it in my cabinet, where it's safe (please alec.. do remember this...). it's just wrong to open files in a laptop that's not yours.. especially if the owner of the laptop is not there... but that's beside the point.. it doesn't change the fact that i did a horrible thing.

and ahem... i must insist... i do have a brain... sometimes inefficient.. sometimes dumb... but most of the time.. quite good, in my opinion...

shet.. katugon gyud ko..

patuluga ko lord!!!

boredom

2007-05-18T01:51:00.000+08:00

it's 1:49 am right now. but the internet is still there. i wonder what brought this generosity extended by acent. oh right, finals week is next week... so that explains it.

anyhoo, i'm bored. i don't want to memorize the origins, insertions and actions of the major muscles of the frogs just yet... and since sleep seems to be too shy to take over my whole body... my brain is sleepy but the rest of my body is not.. so there you go.. boredom.

so, what do i do?

play solitaire- no.. i already won thrice today (or yesterday.. since technically it's already a friday today).

play pinball- no.. my high score is way too high (10 million something) to be reached, especially if my brain is in a semi-frantic, semi-sleepy condition, like what it is in currently.

play candystand tennis open- too easy... i practically won all tennis games that i've had so far.. since way back third year high school...

watch porn- ooh... not for me.. yeah right.. but seriously.. not for me.. and i already let go of that kind of life... in fact.. it's just downright improper to write this in a public blog. but since, as i've already said.. i'm bored... and i memorized too many bones and muscles and internal/external organs of the frog.. i seem to write whatever my brain is able to come up with. so sorry. and i know i'll regret writing this later. but it's later... whatever

since none of those things are not enough to be considered as boredom-exterminating acts.. according to my irrational standards.. i'll just write.. until i get that certain inspiration to memorize the freaking origins and insertions...

oh.. and i just realized.. i'm sort of good in bio... fine, i study... so it's not really innate.. but i don't know.. whenever i listen to the things my bio teachers discuss.. i just find it easy to comprehend the hullabaloos they were discussing even if it's supposedly hard to understand.. so maybe i should consider this a good thing. or maybe i'm just a nerd (and i do think i am the hardcore type).. nothing bad with that, right? right?? ok.. fine.. left?? left?? fuck. corny.

another realization.. i just studied with france in mcdo.. and all of a sudden.. this hormonal imbalance theory of mine suddenly splurged out of my mouth.. so i ended up sharing this bizaare theory to france.. haha... turns out.. she agrees with me.. so maybe.. i'm just hormonally imbalanced.. that's why.. i am the freak that i am today.. haha

what more? oh yeah right.. my code for the freshie Orsem sign-ups... is.. OMG, I TOUCHED YOUR KIDNEY!... nerdy, weird, huh?, luod.. but whatever... it's because deeply private reasons....
the reason for the creation of that code, that is. haha

shit. i'm running out of ideas..

so, before everything would be swallowed up by OMEGA...

remember this:

Extensor Digitorum Communis!

enough shit ramblings done.

time to torture my brain again...

and thus... origin of rectus abdominus... scapula, spinous processes of vertebrae... insertion-- i don't know.. i don't fucking care... who the fuck cares about rectus abdominus anyway.. oh right.. the bio freaks... like moi...

should i minor in french or not?

but seriously.

a stop is a stop.

.............................

i'm bored...

2007-05-10T18:09:00.000+08:00

I got this from Kai's livejournal account... sabi niya ok lang daw i-steal eh.. so yun..

1. What's your ID number?--> 062235

2. Passed or waitlisted?--> Passed beybeh!

3. How did you know about the ACET results?--> nag iinternet ako tapos kasi bored ako pumunta ako sa website ng Ateneo nagbabakasakaling may results na.. tapos yun.. meron na nga.. tinype ko pangalan ko, tapos nalaman ko na nakapasa ako.. i almost fainted when i knew i passed with a full scholarship.. haha

4. Was Ateneo your first choice?--> No… Grade 6 up to last months of fourth year.. UP choice ko.. hihihi pero last minute change of heart (facilitated with a lack of En.Sci. grade in the high school transcript submitted to my UP application).. kaya andito ako ngayon.. wahahaha

5. Do you know what your ACET score was?--> No. Will you ever know it?

6. What course was your first choice?--> BS Chemistry/ BS Materials Science and Engineering

7. Second choice?--> Ahh… BS Chemistry.. haha… obsessed sa chem..

8. Ano course mo?--> ngayon.. BS Biology (Medical Research Track) na..

9. Did you have any plans of shifting?--> I already did.

10. Chinito/chinita ka ba?--> nope.

11. Taga-Ateneo High?--> Nope.

12. Did you have fun in your OrSem?--> yup..

13. Saang gate ka pumasok nung first day?--> sa cervini hall ako nakatira eh.. so no need to pass through ADMU gates.

14. Did you stay in a dorm?--> yup. Cervini hall.. loving it here.

15. Ever had an F in your grade report?--> Fuck no! NO!!! but I failed intact last sem.. hindi nga lang F.. U yung grade ko.. Unsatisfactory.. bullshit!
16. How about an A?--> Yes. HAHAHA

17. Highest grade?--> A

18. Lowest grade?--> ... C+. *i don’t want to see this grade in my transcript ever again!!! *

19. Worst experience in ADMU?--> waking up 8:10.. despite the fact that i had a chem exam starting 7:30 am… 50 minutes lang ang exam. So go figure… atsaka waking up 7:28 am when you have a chem lab session starting 7:30 am.. kaya ayun.. walang ligo.. walang kain.. walang lahat… tapos 4 hours yung lab!!! Ang baho ng chem lab!!! Atsaka getting my first F in a math long test!

20. Did you always attend class?--> Nooooooooo. Lahat ng class ko na cut ko na… pinakahighlight dito yung INTACT… bumagsak ako dahil nag overcut daw ako! Bwisit! Wala namang kuwenta yang subject na yan! Haha.. pero.. in fairness.. ngayong summer.. wala pa akong kinacut na subject.. so yehey to me!!!

21. What were your orgs?--> Gabay (like for 2 months lang siguro..), ACheS, CERSA at ngayon. COA.

22. How many units have you passed?--> Lahat, except for INTACT. Pero zero units naman yun eh.. haha..

23. Nangarap ka bang maglaude?--> hoping and dreaming.. kahit alam kong mahirap kamtin…

24. When will you graduate?--> March 2010… hopefully.

25. Fave subject/s?--> Lit 13&14 (kahit medyo may pagkaboring ang teacher), French 1 (j’aime francais!) and Volleyball!

26. Worst subject/s?--> INTACT. Ch 11. lahat ng Math.. Filipino 14!

27. Fave landmark sa ADMU?--> Church of Gesu

28. Fave kainan?--> Cervini Caf? hahaha.

29. How did you get to school?--> By walking. haha.

30. Were you always at the lib?--> Medyo.. hiram kasi ako nang hiram sa lib ng books… pero.. hindi ako tumatambay dun ng matagal.. masyadong malamig!

31. Ever went to the infirmary when you were sick?--> Nope.

32. Did you have a crush in campus?--> No. Masyadong malayo sa Pilipinas crush ko! Hihi..

33. May balak kang mag-MS, PhD?--> yup.. after magka MD of course.. ipaglalaban ko tung decision kong mag med!! Yeah!!

34. Have you ever watched a graduation ceremony?--> ng ateneo? Wala pa.

35. Do you know the "Song for Mary" by heart?--> No.. hihi.. ang alam ko lang is.. “We stand on a hill.. between the earth and sky”.. the rest?
“na na na naaa… blah blah blah blah…” haha…

36-38. Memorize mo ba ang Fabilioh, Halikinu at Blue Eagle Spelling?--> Halikinu lang.. hehe.

39. Are you part of Team Ateneo?--> No.. pero gusto ko sana.. pero halluhr?!?!?!

40. Who's your fave UAAP basketball player?--> Uhm.. wala..

41. Ever had a perfect score in an exam?--> wala as far as i can remember.. pero maraming kamuntikan na.. haha..

42. Ano ang ayaw mo sa Hell Week?--> Everything.. especially yung hindi ka nakatutulog at para kang zombing lumulutang-lutang ang kaluluwa during class.

43. Dito ka ba natuto uminom ng beer?--> hindi.. noong high school pa noh…

44. What do you like most about our school?--> ang campus.. ang lib.. ang interesting people na namimit.. ang teachers..

45. Ano ang ayaw mo?--> Spoiled people.. naglipana! At ang hirap ng math sa ateneo!!!

46. Have you ever bought anything at the A-shop?--> yup. Shirt at payong.
47. Maganda ba ID pic mo?--> ok lang.. hehe

48. Done anything illegal on campus?--> Sure… ako pa! hihi

49. Bought anything at National Katips?--> Of course.

50. Ever gone to Starbucks Katips?--> YESSS! I lurve starbucks!

51. May nakaaway ka na ba sa school?--> wala pa naman..

52. QPI?--> paki mo? Haha.. jowk lang.. ayoko ngang sabihin.. nahihiya ako eh.. hehe..

smoking

2007-05-09T22:35:00.000+08:00

it's quite funny how after discussing the hazards of smoking in zoo lec (complete with viscerally visual aides... as in VISUAL AIDES!!! horror/alien movie material aids...)...

ahh... wala lang.. it's just funny.. haha

wala lang

2007-05-08T16:47:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is the day that the lord has unmade

bukas, posibleng mamatay ako. kaya sa lahat ng minamahal ko... I LOVE YOU ALL BEYBEHS!

bakit ko naman nasabi yan? maari mong matanong.

kasi...

bukas

may exam ako sa zoo lecture at lab.

at mag-uulat ako sa fil 14.

oo, cge na. eksaj.

pero inay naman... bakit kailangang pagsabay-sabayin ang lahat???

iisa lang katawan ko... at kung mararapatin.. hindi nga ito maituturing na iisang buong katawan.

sa payat kong ito... mas bagay ang kalahating katawan.

gud luck na lang!

at least consolation na lang yung naging score ko sa exam... masaya na ako dun. sort of.

pero wow.. may naka 104.5 over 105.. AMAZING SIYA!!! AMAZING!!! hehe...

french

2007-05-05T00:22:00.000+08:00

it just hit me today.

i really really really really want to minor in french.

well, kyla and i went to de la costa modern languages department to consult on the minoring in french thing

*funny that we agreed that i do the talking, she, the note-taking... then at the end, a role reversal happened. haha..

i became silent because for a moment, my mind momentarily stood still...

and then...

a quick realization.

even if i won't ever ever get the french accent perfectly (because i was born with too much bisaya in me, that everything i speak.. english, tagalog, swahili, greek, ilonggo, british and yes, french... all sound like bisaya.. haha.. certified bisdak bhaybeh... see, frustrated british wanna-be.)

even if i won't ever have the chance to live in france (except if i gain lots and lots of cash being a pathologist.. which i extremely doubt... )

i'll still minor in french...

oh well.. there's that 1 month study tour in france which is like the mother of all coolness.

okay... it's good to dream right?

especially if you're a kid?

right?

COA GA later. excited. mini-sort-of.

out of fil frustrations

2007-04-29T19:06:00.000+08:00

1 day left, still no paper for fil. not. one. word. i should panic right now! but i ain't doin that! what the hell is wrong with me??

and i just realized that i will terribly miss my literature classes (there won't be any again since lit classes are limited for the freshies. except of course if i take up a minor in lit.. which is like suicide..). i will miss the bluffing sessions. i will miss the interpret-the-short story/poem-anyway-you-want-as-long-as-there-is-enough-"substantiation" (tsk. tsk. excessive use of the dash) lectures. and of course our lit teacher, whose gentle and meek demeanor masks all the kaastigan she has in her (imagine, consultation sa smocket garden!!)

and i just realized that i can think better if use english in my thinking. whaddaheck! what happened to the "alagad ng wikang filipino" that i unabashedly used to describe myself long long long... long ago. poof! i guess, it became koko crunch and has sadly taken part into the sewage systems of the world!

aaargghh... i feel like the words disappointment and anxiety should be replaced with the word alec in all dictionaries and thesaurus(es?) right now.

note to moi: bitter bitch! quit ranting and surfing the net! do your freaking job as a student, bitch!

*see.. twisted priorities. 2 blog posts in one day. 0 fil paper in one weekend.

un dieu ont la pitié !

from maam delgado's blog

2007-04-29T13:31:00.001+08:00

woke up from a most-needed nap, recalling lingering bits and pieces of the conversation i had with H.W. and L. last night. it was about that particular sense of loss - mingaw - which has no relief, no logic, no beginning, no end, no weight, no height, no shape, but takes up a lot of space. and is the only matter that makes everything else cease to matter. a matter of absence that is so present, and permanent. and you know how it is when you wake up to dusk just settling in. and the thoughts you have upon waking, they just totally set the darkness of the tone for the rest of the day. mamingaw!!!

after dan's b-day

2007-04-28T22:32:00.000+08:00

you know what disappoints me right now.

it's the fact that after countless hours of brainstorming... i still am not able to write anything about this short story i'm supposed to make a reflection with.

maybe because the paper is for fil 14 and i feel immense pressure to prove myself to that condescending fil prof. well, not really condescending... basta alam mo yun.. ung feel mo kailangan mo talaga galingan ung paper na ibibigay mo sa kanya.. tapos sa sobrang pagnanais mong galingan, you end up with nothing. it sucks, big time. and that's exactly what i feel right now.

adding injury to the insult is the upcoming long exam for zoo lec on monday which i haven't studied for yet (our 2nd long exam after 2 weeks... fast pace!!!!!).... i'm sort of thankful for that first long exam because i got lucky.. but i know that this 2nd long exam, it's either i study or die.. and given the fact that i still haven't studied for it... and it's just two days away.. gosh, i think my only option is to die. haha.

buti na lang bday ni danica. btw, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANICA!!! 18 ka na... ur a big girl now (metaphorically... kasi matagal ka nang big literally.. hehe)... dalaga ka na!!! adult ka na!! haha.. anyway.. at least, i got the chance to have fun again because of course hs friends are there... plus i got to see the intarmed people (cj and reysa) who I haven't seen for a very long time. plus, i can curse all i want for all the trivial shits i'm exposed with to friends who will support you in your most curse-ful of times.. (thanks ces! haha... i-ninong mo ako kay bigatutay ha! hehehehe... seriously ces, lay-off the alcohol.. and don't even try to deny it.. haha).

yun, because i'm happy again. i'll try to summon up all my tagalog writing powers in order to come up with a decent fil paper...

ahhhh!!!! Dieux!!!!

summer rant

2007-04-25T19:26:00.000+08:00

i may have a brain tumor or something...

things that made my brain constantly vibrate (creating shockwaves of almost unbearable.. buti na lang may advil... pain) for the past week and a half:

1. zoo lecture. yes. i know. zoo lecture. i really thought that this would be a big comforting breeze for me (enough to de-stress me throughout this fucking hot summer.. swear, you could make a sunny side up directly in those cement roads.. without oven.. that's how infernal the philippines is as of the moment), since it's just zoo and i pretty much retained whatever "knowledge" i got from that 3 years of biology-cation back in high school. but sadly, unfortunately, putang ina-ly, no. quizzes are all products of a bored, incapacitated neurons from me, thus the formation of 8 water molecules in 5 glucose monomers combined (when actually, it's only 4) and reversal of my perspective on what euchromatin and heterochromatin is. plus, the first long exam! it was hard. i would be lucky if i got a 60 in that exam. maybe, i'm just plain stupid. either that or i may be too mean to my zoo lec teacher who i always mock because of the akward"laughter", in between supposedly scientific discussion, she makes, thus karma.. mean acts deserves mean punishments. haha... don't listen to me. i'm just venting out my academic inadequacies. life is too good and precious to be spoiled by a freaking zoo lecture class.. putang ina naman.. yeah right.!

2. zoo lab. though its more fun than the lecture, i have to say that 4 hours every mondays, wednesdays and fridays of the week of "lab life"almost right after you wake up and just before you eat your lunch is not a good way to live life. but i have no choice. it is what the registrar has given me. and who has any power to contradict the registrar. load rev. tama. but unfortunately, there is only one zoo lab class, so no choice. plus.. i hate the fucking tissues. yeah. all of them. even though i have plans of becoming a kick-ass pathologist... and part of the job of the pathologist is to biopsy tissues... stare at them and determine if they're cancerous or not.. coolness... but still, it's possible to hate your work and at the same time excel in it... haha.

3. filipino.... puta!!!!!!! i thought having bellen and beni santos as filipino teachers (for fil 11 and 12, respectively) was enough of a torture.. but of course, here comes the life-is-unfair cookie monster crossing the threshold and oh.. mercilessly throws corroza right at me. yeah, he's a good teacher and all. but come on. where are those blue skies over the rainbow i'm looking for.. where? where???? definitely not in Berch 208... sori talaga france kung nadamay kita sa aking kamalasan.. but i guess both of us deserve it.. you for not sticking to your christian values (hahaha....) and me for being plain old unlucky me...

yeah. basically that's it. that's what makes my brain vibrate painfully. my SUMMER CLASS.

fast and furious pace. tumor-inducing.

but even with all these rants. i swear i'm gonna conquer these fuckers. i'm not gonna let them stop me from dominating the world (this has been my life force motivating me to move on quite recently.. the possibility of dominating the world... hahahahahaha...)

i may not ever get that 4.0 qpi i'm hoping for this summer term (god i love my 2nd sem qpi.... got the best end of my "forecasts") but still... i will fight... rambo style. haha.

which reminds me. study study study alec. other people may think it uncool for a person to study. but not you. studying is your favorite hobby (oh how i beg for myself to consider this). okay not favorite hobby. a priority would be enough. you did not transplant yourself here in loyola heights all the way from that gorgeous city of davao (thus... wala parents. wala cousins... meron namang friends.. but still...) to have fun. you are here to study in the hopes of elevating your status as a homo sapien sapiens in this society of ours... yuck.. society of ours? so prissy-sounding.

hai..

pero.. mauuna pa rin ang episode 19 ng heroes bago ang lahat ng mga 'yan.

nyahahahahaha....

dagat... dagat.. DAGGGAAAATTT!!!!

2007-04-10T01:29:00.000+08:00

someone help me make a new layout please... please.. please...

the music of my page is annoying me to no bounds.. yeah yeah, it's just a matter of changing the music.. but I just also want to have a new look to this blog.. something less depressing perhaps...

so to anyone of my friends who knows something about xhtml... have mercy on this poor wretched soul who's so fucking dumb with html shites...

oh yeah right.. this was a very fun day! watched cute ng ina mo.. cheap but funny as hell! and of course it's with my closest illumina friends... a laugh is more enjoyable when it is shared.. (siyempre naman.. magmumukha kang baliw kapag ikaw lang mag-isa tumatawa noh! halluhr!!.. hehe..)

then I ate at sym's in gaisano with miguel, filmor, renel, jason and kamille... i ate tapsilog.. which was weird.. since it's usually a breakfast meal.. bahala na.. lami btaw ang java rice.. hehe..

then it was off to mcdo near victoria... and had lots and lots and lots of TALK with the same people i ate with at sym's.. and guess what time we ended talking? 1 freaking am.. haha..

it was sort of weird because the mcdo in victoria had a striking resemblance with the mcdo back there in katipunan.. so it just hugely reminded me of those late night chats with dorm friends.. late night study (daw!) sessions (but now, thankfully, without the friggin Chang book to destroy the whole ambience...) with my chem blockmates (glorious shocks, i'll miss them!).. and all those late night stuff that i do in mcdo katipunan.. wala lang..

we talked about nothing and everything... reminiscing about high school.. updating about college life.. sharing jokes.. talking about serious stuff (pa as-if as-if kunuhay.. hehe)... backfighting people (pero konti lang gud ito.. siyempre, hindi talaga maiwasan.. libakan sessions.. hahaha), that's why umabot kami dun ng mga 4 na oras sa mcdo... and to think that i bought not one thing in that store.. haha.. thick-faced kid!

AND TO THE GRAND FINALE:

I'LL BE GOING TO THE BEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dugay na gyud kaayo ko wala nakaligo ug dagat... especially kanang naay white sands, clear blue water, churva churva...

Paradise, here I come!! ... (and I'm not talking about the heavenly sort of paradise.. gusto ko pang mabuhay noh! La vie est belle, indeed...)..

Cge.. I'll just pack dagat stuff... and sleep.. and then... BEACH....

hindi naman halatang excited noh?

haha.

P.S.

please.. kung kinsa man dinha willing magdonate sa ilang knowledge about xhtml.. hinaut pa unta nga tabangon ko ninyo maghimo ug bag-ong layout! but it's also possible that i will just study it on my own and do my own fucking template...

BEACH BEACH BEACH.

update daw... in fairness.. mataas ito... basta.. I LOVE LIT!!! hoohh!!!

2007-04-08T23:21:00.000+08:00

Now that I’m almost finished with all of the “summer activities” that I imposed to myself (save for that Zoo advanced reading… and I don’t have plans of finishing.. heck.. even doing it.. i just realized that I’m not that of a Nerd..), I will give an update that this blog so deserves…

And yeah Tal.. here is the summer update you’ve been waiting for, although I know that a request for an update was what you requested for everyone of your blog friends while you were blog-hopping… still I give you credit for taking the time to personally (more like web-personally, right?.. whatever) request an update.

See the boredom seething and oozing all over those paragraphs?… Well, any person who I fortunately had the chance to terrorize knows that when I’m bored… either I’m in an academic, snotty mode reading a book OR in a foolish, court-clown mode babbling. Since reading just increases the boredom-level I’m usually plunged into (frankly, I don’t get the logic of me reading a book when I’m bored to death.. but that’s just me), I tend to just babble.. and babble and babble… stuff.. incoherent and illogical stuff that will just make anyone who I’m to talking to at the time the babbling is done, to roll their eyes and say that one word epitomizing this whole generation of mine.. WHATEVER.

Hai..

But, instead of just making this entry an update of what my summer was like (I guess you would have guessed it by this point… and in commemoration of the Holy Week that was.. let me describe it as … HOLY), I would also want to make this entry a How’s my First Year College Life Like entry…

And then another BUT. Since I’m afraid what I’m about to write about my freshie kolehiyalo vie would be very long (as long as the sun shines down from the heaven.. or is it one of those mis-lyricked songs I unabashedly demolish.. again?) and very insightful and dramatic and theatric and oh basta!, I will first make a comment about the movies and the books that I’ve watched and read during this whole period of self-imposed summer activities which I was talking about earlier (did anyone miss the lack of logic along those lines there?)

Let’s start with Sons and Lovers (D.H. Lawrence).. uhm… boring! As boring as Classic English Literature can get! But whew man! That Paul Morel is one hell of a man-bitch! Well, in the first parts of the book, he was described as a weak, amiable, innocent, intelligent blah, that it wasn’t hard for me to imagine him as that friend of mine in Cervini (who coincidentally has the same initials as Paul Morel) who is also amiable, innocent, intelligent and weak.. sorry.. harsh… But then, when it was time for him to grow up and become the man of the house or whatever he suddenly transformed into a man-bitch! I swear if I met him, we would have one hell of a bitch fight! Hehe.. So there.. the only consolation for readers like me rooting for his destruction was that he lost his virginity when he was already 25 years old… imagine that!... 25 fucking years old before his first shag.. not that I had any to boast… but 25? God, that’s hooh.. 25! Better 25 than never, I guess.

Then… Babel (brad pitt, cate blanchett, adrianna barazza, rimko kikuchi… this last name was just made up, basta it sounds like rimko kikuchi haha…).. WOW… this movie from the first microsecond up to the last had DEPRESSION scribed all over the yellow brick road! No Happy Moment ever! Even the scenes where people were portrayed as smiling little Earthlings were still DEPRESSING. But it was MOVING. Emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually, churva-churvally MOVING. Yeah, I get it when detractors say that the moral statement that the movie shows is vague.. but what the hell! You don’t watch movies for the moral statement! You have the Bible or Koran or whatever religious dogma for that! You watch movies for a.) entertainment or b.) Emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, churva-churval Movement inside of you.. and letter b my friends is what you will definitely get from this movie… though it’s the depressing kind of movement..

Then… One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Ken Kesey)… well this was sort of already a re-read, since I read this during the previous sem.. but I was too busy gloating about my acads so I forgot to finish reading it. Anyway… another.. WOW… Randle Patrick McMurphy is my personal hero from this moment on! He was so funny, so anti-society, anti-convention, anti-world that if I were big enough or sassy enough to be him.. I would be him.. This book makes me want to be a psychiatrist and change whatever rotten systems are being implemented in mental institutions… but, right now I think I’m the one who needs to be in a mental institution.. so… so much for that.. haha..

And then.. Little Children (kate winslet, patrick wilson, jennifer connelly..)… Somebody send me Kate Winslet in our house right now! As in, right now! Haha.. wishful thinking.. This just proves my point that Kate Winslet is one of the best living actresses (technically.. ) in the world… This movie was all about her.. her nuances and bravura in this movie was dead on! Not to mention the intriguing tone that the director used in this movie.. depressing yet funny… crystal-clear yet ironic.. basta.. it was about how we judge others and ourselves.. how strong our desire to protect the future generation from evil is, when in fact we ourselves are the evil we are contending with… one of life’s biggest paradox… sigh…

Tapos.. Slaughterhouse Five (Kurt Vonnegut Jr.)… Kick-ass!… Never read any novel written like this before.. stylish and street-smart at the same time. I’m not much of a fan of simple prose, I like Nabokov-ian prose more.. the flowery kind.. but this novel.. even if the prose was simple.. heck, I appreciated it a lot.. and if anyone of you are planning to read about anti-war literature… this is a must read!

Oh shocks, I forgot! I still am not able to watch CASINO! Gosh.. well, there are 4 days left.. so no worries…

And.. WOW… never typed anything this long before.. haha.. it’s a spectacle what boredom can do to you…

And… because I’m too tired to type.. I’ll just let that how’s-my-first-year-college-life like segment of this entry.. be.. postponed until that next entry comes up, I guess.

And ooh! I’ll go out with my high school friends tomorrow! YEAY!!!

Bored. Boredom.. ZZZzZZZzzzz….

because i'm too bored to study chem..

2007-03-28T02:32:00.000+08:00

my god.. i need to be freakin good in this finals if i want to get a B....

but i'm not studying at all. what's happening to me! whenever i read chang, hopelessly trying to review.. as in nothing makes sense in that book. i swear!

since i know for sure that i'm so totally failing (in my own set of standards.. ) that finals..

i'm just gonna anticipate what my summer would be like in davao.. brief as it is.

reading list:

sons and lovers- d.h. lawrence
one flew over the cuckoo's nest- ken kensey
slaughterhouse five- kurt vonnegut jr.

movie list:

little children
babel
casino

in between the reading and watching (this does not help to the worsening state of my poor poor eyes.. at all! ):

catching up with friends (i miss high school period. if only college is as mischievous as high school.. sigh... really, i'm practically living a saintly life right now.)
bonding with my only cousin living in davao (congrats sam! wow.. salutatorian! mad props! ehem... it runs in the genes.. wahahahaha)
claiming back my throne as the prince of the house.. oh yeah!
shopping (books mostly.. )
reading zoology textbook in advance.. nerd... but then, who the hell gives a freaking damn! C.L. beybeh... (thanks joey for letting me borrow your holy book despite being the worst OC case that you are.. hehe)

wow... this list is long.. i wonder if i can pull this off under 11 or so days..

now back to the present: Chang book sitting in my bed like a primadonna bitch-- check!, a slew of horrifying sample Chem 11 long tests clipped by atet--- check! three papers containing the poems i'll analyze for my lit paper placed in some corner in the jungle where I habitate-- errr... check? stress-free life--- XXXXXXXX.

life is one hell of a demanding bitch!

need i say more?

P.S.
God, you wondrous maker of miracles... you know what i'm praying for.. so.. please... just PLEASE...

there can be miracles... even if you don't believe..

2007-03-23T19:04:00.000+08:00

i have no reason whatsoever to brag about this thing i'm about to brag.

but what the hell, i owe God an entry.. and uhm.. yeah.. I sort of dedicate this to God (for making miracles happen..)...

EXEMPTED AKO SA MATH!!! I don't need to take the finals anymore.. Anak ng pabo!!! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself to be exempted in Math. WHAAAHH!! As in.. I was really really really surprised!!!!!

Oh well, I still hate Math, don't get me wrong. But wow, i'm so giddy-up, giddy-up let's go right now!!.. hooh!! yeah!! my god!!!

ok, i officially sound like a battered lunatic right now.

I'm tempted to credit my intelligence for this whole phantasmagoria thing going on (cough.. spit.. vomit.. repeat sequence infinitely) .. but neh.. luck has got to do with it more..

BUT.. BUT... C+ ang letseng standing ko sa chem.. Anak ng.. oh well, i can't use pabo now.. ah.. anak ng (and this is plainly for rhyming purposes..).. pato? I need to work my ass off in that finals if I want to get a B.

I'm jealous of the people who have nothing to do next week (on my part.. 2 papers and 1 final.. not bad.. but still.. it has STRESS written all over it).. but stress is good.. stress is love.

OH DI BA? OK NA OK NA QUOTE to get you through the DAY.

STRESS IS LOVE (Repeat it 100 times.. and I'll conclude that you're.. uto-uto.. haha).

from a surreal encounter with the real "poets"

2007-03-19T22:36:00.000+08:00

poetry is not meant to be understood... it's supposed to be felt...

It actually makes sense and I'm sad that our very own Literature teacher forgot to teach us that very fundamental aspect of poetry..

Kasi naman, every after a poem is read parati niya tanong...

Class, what does this poem mean?

Siyempre, kawawa ang lolo mo kasi ako parati ang tinatanong...

So I have to summon up all my wise-ass powers to make an intelligent bluff. Something that would sound "intelligent" even it doesn't actually mean at all.. as in.. bullshit stuff. Haha... Pero in fairness to her, at least I've honed my "bluffing" skills... Which I really really need for the next years ahead.. haha..

Ok yun lang... Fucking French Scrapbook and Freaking Filipino Paper (which is way behind the deadline).. a very strong evidence that indeed hell exists in this world..

out.

a time for a whatever but sort of profound moment.. haha.. ang labo..

2007-03-19T00:27:00.000+08:00

There are things in my life right now undergoing such silent but overwhelming changes. If I talk about them, I'll only take away their magic. I don't want that to happen. Let's just say they have given me new life. A new way of looking at and coping with things. A new chance to evaluate myself, and to move to higher ground. It begins with a twinkling, and ends with quiet amusement. It makes me finally know what I want, and by God, by hook, by crook I will get it (itago mo yan sa biak na bato beybeh!)...

had a fun weekend... but my god, whatever happened to the preparation for the hell-on-earth weeks???

yawyaw (pronounced as yoh yoh.. wala lang para sosyalan kuno.. hahaha)

2007-03-04T17:50:00.000+08:00

gaah!!!

i'm afraid of what the next three weeks will bring me.

portering hours + papers + long tests + finals + shifting theatrics

sus tuo man ka ana, mao gyud na kinabuhi sa estudyante...

unya, duh, unsa pa may gamit anang imong pagpisaypisay kung dili ra pud diay nimo na

maovercome.. (eng-bis.. english-bisaya.. haha)

how i wish i transform into a cat and have nine super lives. so that in case I die in the following weeks, i'll be able to resurrect, and exist with a new, invigorated, sunny meow-meow disposition..

but then, how can i type in Miming (my laptop.. my laptop is named Miming... hahaha... absurd!!!), if i only have three fingers... tapos gamay pa gyud...

better be able to function as a human being (for the rest of my life)..

resurrect bebeh resurrect!

for the sake of updating this poor wasteland of incoherent thoughts

2007-02-19T00:50:00.000+08:00

ok.. 12:49... which means I have exactly 11 minutes to type whatever my mind, in coordination with my pasmadong hands, wants to type.

so...

AHH.. ano ba ang isusulat ko?

ai tama... i made a major major decision in my life.

i'm shifting to health sci.. hahaha..

after all the dramatics, theatrics and semantics I gave to my parents, finally they agreed.

to let me shift.. although with a very obvious tone of pagmahay.

yeah, i know. i don't look like i'm suited for medicine (or for anything for that matter.. what with all my self-worth fast diminishing)... but, it's just that suddenly my heart (yes dear, my heart.. it's not mindlessly numb ya know) had a sudden twist to its resonant dogoogsh doggoogsh.. which made me decide to finally shift.

oh my god, 5 minutes na lang...

but, i still love chem and i always will.

pero dba may chemical medicine naman..?

haha.. maybe that would be my specialty.. clinical chemistry.. i've heard and researched about it. so it's all good for me.. (if good means life-long struggle to differentiate myself from other hungry-for-success individuals).

WHATEVER.

promise, tomorrow, really tomorrow

i'll write lucidly..

oh freaking fuck.. 1 minute na lang.
OUT

a shallow birthday entry...

2007-02-04T02:15:00.000+08:00

later, i will make an entry that this day actually deserves (ai yesterday pala.. kasi feb 4 na pala ngayon noh?)

yehey... i had a fun birthday..

i treated my friends here in the dorm and my highschool friends too...

hai... i'm finally 17...

after a year of agonizing over the thought of me being a 17 year old boy..

actually.. I don't feel different at all...

but i should try to be different..

different as in:

more mature
more responsible
more punctual
more truthful
more at ease with myself
less paranoid about grades

haha... b/day's resolution list? hehe..

f is the name of this entry

2007-01-27T17:43:00.000+08:00

i have this Fucking insecurity in my mind..

and its clouding my Fucking judgements lately...

and i'm so Fucking disappointed with my Fucking self because I got a Fucking D in chem (kahit advisory mark pa yun.. it still causes.. unbearable pain.. a lot of Fucking, heart-shattering unbearable pain).

and I'm feeling so Fucking guilty... because...

* some words missing *

help me lord!

2007-01-21T19:02:00.001+08:00

i'll probably end this week with a BANG.

that is, with a loud BANG from a gun.

because the pressure exerted to my thin, malnourished body will be too much to bear.

haha... fancy my chances of committing suicide.

i promise you it's not gonna happen.

so, all i can i say is...

i hope against hope that i will survive this coming week of apocalyptic nightmare.

please, LORD! I love you. I hope you love me too. I hope you give me all the necessary Enervons in order for me to wage war against this humungously annoying freak called "Academics".

PUHLEEZ.

hai... be contented na lang ui.

2007-01-14T18:46:00.000+08:00

lately, i find myself always dreaming about what will happen to me in the future (question lang: do you dream about your past?). i mean the immediate future. tomorrow or next week future.

for example, there's this long test in say, chem.

whenever i review for this test, i cannot stop myself from having this delusional periods where I imagine myself getting overtherainbowskiesareblue results for this test.

yes. it is good to dream. it is a human necessity to dream. but when your dreams create a translucent fog that blurs your perception of reality (just like the one mentioned above), then i guess its time for that reality check to be deposited in your reality bank.

why can't i just stop dreaming and live the present the way it should be lived, that is, live it literally as the present. to stop connecting it with the future.

or maybe the real problem lies with my overambitious ambitions.

maybe i've set the bar too high. too high for my terribly small body and brain to cross, or even reach.

or

kumakalam lang talaga sikmura ko at wala na akong ibang magawa kundi mag-emote ng mga kawhateveran ng buhay ko.

aba, malay!

isolation policy

2007-01-12T17:07:00.000+08:00

the loud annoying sound i hear outside is just one good reason why i need to isolate my self this weekend.

academic intoxication

2007-01-10T16:43:00.001+08:00

or even beyond that.
that's what I feel, every after filipino class.
bizaare short-circuiting of the electrical impulses generated by interacting neurons.
(that's for those scientific geeks secretly lurking around)
this fil teacher of ours, in all her Filipino poetry and fiction royale, is just hooh, yeah!
she's so..so...
she's beyond words.
i think her saliva has this metaphorical mighty bond that connects every fucking word in the english-tagalog dictionary.
illogically or logically.
imagine, just this day, she managed to discuss these following things in under 50 minutes of intense self-talk and "intellectualization":
pagmumuni-muni (official lesson) + abortion + formal writing + suicide + asking for a map of France + sexual awakenings + reflection-cum-toxicity + To Be or Not to Be of Hamlet + cheating + North-South-East-West type of thinking (what the fuck?) + bustsize of Viva Hotbabes + how wrong it is to use "porque" in a sentence + Milenyo victims + joy of disciplined writing +a psycho TimeZone Kid + nuclear bombs + polar bear and penguin extinction + Lawasa stations + how small ayungin is (it's a fish of some sort) + ...+ "ai nakalimutan ko idiscuss ang novel review. sa kadami-dami ng blah blah".
(give and take some more useless insights she told us, that's pretty much what I "learned" in Fil Class today).
either she is that brilliant or
she is that appallingly TWISTED.
well, it doesn't change the fact that every after FIL Class, my mind literally becomes drunk. as in continuous 100 shots of vodka drunk.
buti na lang I have two hours of recovery before English and Lit class and before my mind permanently resides to the cuckoo's deranged nest.
hooh.
but hey, i still give her props (pompoms, confetti, chocnuts,grand parade and all) for appreciating the blood, sweat,tears, bile, hormones (and all sorts of physiological and anatomical concoctions) that I poured into that paper she required.

and with that, I bid my farewell.

"Viva Filipino! Hail to the Filipino Language!"
HAHAHAHA.

lessons learned the painful way

2007-01-09T17:48:00.000+08:00

lesson no. 1:

when the working equation is 1/[At]= kt + 1/[Ao]

and every fucking thing is given except for [A0], you don't divide 1/[At] by kt to get 1/[A0].

you subtract it dumb boy! SUBTRACT! division is way way way (times ten to the power of 1 billion) different from subtraction.

lesson no. 2:

never ever ever ever ever ever cut a foreign language class.

not only would it make you look like a dumbshit in front of the class during orals because you don't fucking know what the hell they took up last meeting... it would also give you a *tenenen*
0/(something) in your first quiz of the first year for fucking french.

lesson no. 3:

in proving identities, wishing for a miracle is not an option. it is a must.

lesson no. 4:

never cut ur PE class, especially if you like the class. you ingrato!

i swear this day was so fucked up. SWEAR!

i heart high school

2007-01-07T16:04:00.000+08:00

i went to kalai yesterday to attend the pasalubong fest...

yup, you heard it right.

kahit na sandamakmak ang inilista ko sa to-do notebook kong bigay ni france (tama ka talaga france, worst-time crammer ako.. hehe).

subalit...

hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang pagpunta ko dun...

dahil masayang-masaya ako kahapon...

because I experienced the kind of joy only your bestest highschool friends can offer you.

the-immature-on-the-brink-of-maturity kind of joy.

the-who-the-hell-cares-about-other-people-as-long-as-we're-enoying-the-craziness-with-each other type of bliss..

peste nga lang, college na ako.

paminsan-minsan ko na lang mararanasan ang ganoong uri ng kagalakan.

ear to ear smile

2007-01-06T16:09:00.000+08:00

you know you're happy when you're smiling all the way and at the same time reading a freakishly fucking "babaeng misteryosa" book.

well probably its because someone just told me something which made my liver spread bile all over my digestive system.

yes, i'm that gratituosly (?) self-absorbed.

but seriously, to that someone... thank you for making my day for the next... well i don't know know...

basta, until this stupid happiness expires.

a brief recall of the "break (????)" that was... and a pitch perfect start for the year...

2007-01-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

i had a happy christmas and a merry new year.

albeit the lack of noise due to the lack of firecrackers, fireworks and everything related to fire because davao will obey whatever Duterte (who seems to love the fact that the ingkantos will not go away this year since not much noise were created during the new year's eve- - not really a fact, but what the hell, i'm superstitious!) wants and also because it rained on New Year's eve and- now this is a fact- firecrackers, fireworks and fire hate rain!

on to more recent things..

as in today kind of recent.

i just can't believe what just happened to me today.
it seems my free-floating self-worth is settling back after all.
it seems there is enough reason for me to go all out.
at least i can say at the start of this year that...
hardwork pays off. well, not everytime, but it certainly does most of the time.
And I guess, I have to learn to be contented with "most of the time".

and that made me feel
INSPIRED...

despite the fact that there is that looming Math Long test next next week, the cruelty of which i can accurately predict (up to the nth number of significant figures... oh god, corny!)

Still, I hope this inspiration would lead to the awaited enlightenment of my mind, especially in proving IDENTITIES! (kabugo gyud nako ug Math, laliman ka, pati kani dili ko kabalo!)

Hoping the fiery inspiration will not fade out.
come rain or shine (katharine mcphee your new songs suck! i love the "come rain or come shine you", not the "oh-i'm-pretty-and-i-can-do-slutty-things-wherever-and-whenever-i-want-to-you" which is what you are doing right now.but still, true love never dies.. HAHAHA!)

i'll be home for christmas

2006-12-20T18:16:00.000+08:00

oh my holy ballooney!
i'm actually meeting vis-a-vis my davao-sweet-davao tomorrow!
just the thought of me, stepping foot in my beloved love makes me giddy and restless.
ugma na gyud.
ugma na giyud bebeh!
i'm so excited to meet my family and friends..
never experienced this kind of excitement before.
i mean it really...

the sabogness of moi

2006-12-16T09:48:00.001+08:00

proof that indeed, in my own little way, I have changed:

despite 3 papers due for next week.

despite 2 long tests to take next week.

despite 2 novels to be read... well, not for next week, but still, that's 2 novels of hardcore Tagalog for the christmas break.. that beatch of a teacher! (pero idol ko pa rin ikaw Maam.. hehe).

despite them all, i still found the courage to commit academic suicide.

and despite them all, i still found the time to wake up smelling the smell of what I did last night.

bad bad boy. tsk tsk.

i lost

2006-12-13T21:06:00.000+08:00

i feel so defeated today.

today is the best time to say "just because I gave it my all, doesn't mean I'm gonna end up having it all too".
Reciprocity doesn't apply in good ambitions.

It's just a matter of Taoism- your destiny flowing along with the water puzzle created just for you.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

hai... life. that's that.

chem long test tomorrow! care enough to wish me a miracle? (as if a miracle is enough)

guilty (without the kuno)

2006-12-08T10:54:00.000+08:00

a promise is a promise is a promise is a promise.

let that be the daily mantra of my life.

after finishing the chem lab

2006-12-03T15:45:00.000+08:00

after much thinking, i decided to impose something to myself.

ikaw.. you should achieve something this sem.

a mind-numbing, earth-shattering, spine-chilling something this sem.

yung tipong iiyak ang iyong parents sa lubos na kagalakan, lulundag-lundag ang iyong mga kaibigan sa something na nakamit mo.

POWER RANGER MODE coming up.

confessions of the guilty kuno

2006-12-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

so i just did a full blown shopping spree today because i thought happy people deserve happy things.

which i thought would make me un-depressed.

well, yeah, it made me un-depressed. sort of.

but

it also triggered my brain to produce guilt-inducing chemicals, which, in turn made me feel guess what?

MISERABLY GUILTY (kuno).

So to my ever-loving Papa (with the Spanish acent and all), who would be the one to pay for all the "damages" that I just created----

Merry Christmas.

Be thankful that you have a son as good as me.

Ganun, deferring the blame on your own parents.

Anyway. I was supposed to finish my lab report for Chem, but it was stalled because of the shopping spree just mentioned.

So I'll finish it now.

And then after that I'll study Chem, and then I'll study French, and then I'll arrange my corner and then I'll make the pre-lab in Chem, and then study Math, and then read Hamlet, and then study English, and then after all the studying... study again.

Talk about lofty, to-reach-the-unreachable goals.

But hey, all things are possible as long as you have that gut-wrenching determination and passion and ahh...

something with -ion to make it sound like miriam santiago (who I saw in Rustan's one afternoon in all her curly hair splendor)... right, dedication...

which I unfortunately don't have.

pa...

sooner or later, i will have those.

and by that time...

i will dominate the world.

HAHAHA! (the evil HAHAHA type).

anyway.

merry christmas everyone...

blame this unnecessary remark on that unearthly delicious-ness of peppermint mocha frappucino i just gulped.. and the memoirs imprinted in my memory center (bakit di ko alam ang scientific term nito?) by that sugary movie called Love Actually which are especially heightened during Christmas season (manood kayo nito, puh leez... I think this is the ultimate medicine for our atrocity-obsessed world).

yun lang. au revoir! (i'm gonna minor in french).

kanus-a pa man mag dec. 25 ui!

2006-11-27T17:23:00.000+08:00

WEEE!

it's christmas season again.

christmas is davao. davao is christmas

all i want for christmas is davao.

you, davao, you!

WOOOH!

christmas is worth waiting for, I tell you.

bare with me (as in bare! not bear... this goes out to the unwitty people lurking around this planet)

2006-11-26T00:36:00.000+08:00

i miss the times when i can just be my crazy, jolly-demented self.

the one who makes people laugh despite the weirdness of it all.

the one who cheats just for the adventure of it (and for the grades too.. aminin mo na kasi....thankfully, i'm so over that pathetic "cheating=higher grade" phase)

the one who mocks everyone lovingly.

the one who actually cares, even if he hates to admit that he does.

the one who can be an outsider one minute and an insider the next.

the antisocial freak with a social heart

it's just that..ahhh... i can't even, uh, never mind...

don't be emo, you self... hindi bagay. luod and yaks...

blame it on that shitty freezing point chem eek shit.

BUT

ironically, i lurve Chem.

Falling in love with Chem, sounds completely dorky, geeky, nerdy (i miss this word .. hai... so much for that) and fuck-nots.

but heck,

it's better than

exerting extreme effort to live a life of credible make-believe

convincing yourself that your too young and immature to do anything grown-up

yes, fantastic, but a fantasy still.

so you chem ha... bantay lang gyud ka...

kay i will make love to you ra ba gyud for the next 5 years of my life... everyday (with little breaks during weekends and holidays)..

HAHAHA...

"i thought you were the type of person who has a love life"

blink, blink.

are you mocking me?

wait 'til it becomes true.

the thing with me is that you should never ever assume that I can't do things.

yup, that's a live ticking bomb-threat...

mga letseng subjects

2006-11-25T17:58:00.000+08:00

hang-over...

as in my head is about to burst into tiny eecky things...

anyway, i wanted to post something about the very interesting guidance interview, pero later na lang.

for now i'll go to katipunan, in natio... and buy french dictionary (i rocked the orals baby!) and some hamlet thing, which I dread to read, but is required for lit (i need to give this subject some respect, it was my saving grace last sem damnit!)

and i really hate my corner right now.

it's messy, not the me-messy but the bizaare messy. scratch that. me-messy is bizaare messy, so let me call the mess right now, beyond bizaare messy...

useless and crappy entry..

sorry for posting it, but I really felt that I needed to put some laxative on my boredom-infested brain... and since during the time I made that insight I was staring blankly in my laptop, oh well...

2006-11-19T17:26:00.000+08:00

name me, name me!

mount is the name.

as in mount maquiling.

corny, yeah i know.

but it doesn't hurt when your french teacher tells you it's cute.

so sa mga others, ayaw nag palag!

2006-11-17T18:44:00.000+08:00

1st week and weekend blues

waahh... it's the 1st weekend of the 2nd sem, and already I've got a paper to make.

well at least it's for filipino, it's fun to write a filipino paper as your first paper.

and oh.. i'm learning french by the way.

it's a super cool language.

many people call it a "maarte" language.

but for me it's just superfreakin ARTISTIC.

i hope i'll be able to minor in french, if God will allow me.

and I'm really thankful that I didn't take the Math 18 regular track.

because I have no Math 21 this sem, which means no PS class for Math 21 and therefore more time (additional one hour) to sleep during Fridays.

What the heck, it's the 1st week of school and I've got so many lessons to study.
And I think I failed my first quiz this sem-- and it's Filipino class, damn it.